Today I awoke from a text message being sent to my phone. A very random text message but the gist of it was an announcement of Barbie’s latest career. As the conversation went back and forth, I began to think back on how many careers Barbie has had….
(insert wavy dream sequence lines with dreamy music here)
Barbie began her career as a teenage fashion model in 1959. This Barbie came with a whole pizza and shoebox full of candy that she could stash behind the pile of sweaters in her closet. Then, when Mr. and Mrs. Barbie, Senior, weren’t looking she would dig through the sweaters until she found her stash. Teenage Fashion Model Barbie shovelled the snacks in by the fistful….only to throw them up later. A bargain at just $5.99 when you stop to think that she comes with teeth that yellow and fall out after purging.
Barbie’s eating disorder lead to a step up in the fashion world when, just one year after her modeling career took off, she was named Fashion Editor. This doll had a button on the back that made her say three different phrases:
“You are nothing! A gnat! Get me Gloria Vanderbilt on the horn now!”
“I said DECAF! DECAF!”
“No, honey, mommy can’t read to you now. She has to destroy some people.”
The next few years were a time of soul-searching for Barbie. She had ambition and she had dreams but she lacked direction. She became what is known in the corporate world as a “job hopper,” skittering about from one career to the next in search of satisfaction. Ballerina, Nurse, Flight Attendant, Tennis Pro, Figure Skater, Executive. But none of these careers gave her what she needed.
Barbie turned, very shortly to volunteer work. She became a Candy Striper at the local hospital. This incarnation of Barbie is thought to be where she was most happy. Stripes, on Barbie are slimming. And her ego got a much-needed boost when she would be hit on by all of the dirty old men who were recuperating from prostate surgery. She also found a way to escape when she got tired of dealing with all of the infirmed. She would just stow away in the hospital linen closet with the stash of magazines she was supposed to be handing out. (Hospital linens sold seperately.)
Barbie’s next career move would really give her the attention she was searching for so desperately: Astronaut. She would come back to this career several times years later.
The ensuing years for Barbie meant many, many more careers. She was an Aerobics Instructor (came with same accessories as Teenage Fashion Model plus legwarmers) a singer, surgeon and even Miss America, twice.
But it was in 1985 that Barbie really stretched herself professionally. For in that one year Barbie was a Business Executive (accessories: briefcase, business power suit and two sets of books) Dress Designer (accessories: a bolt of material, a dressmaker’s dummy and a young gay male assistant who was beaten down by Barbie’s cruel treatment of him.) TV News Reporter (accessories: microphone, video camera and blooper real in which Barbie says all seven of the words you can’t say on television) Veterinarian (accessories: dog and thermometer, examination table and horse tranquilizers to help her fall asleep at night) and finally, Teacher (accessories: books, desk and underage student lover)
But Barbie was still unfulfilled. Why weren’t any of her career choices making her happy? What could she do differently? What could make her stop searching?
Unicef Ambassador? She did love collecting pennies…but no.
Ice Capades Star? No, she would never have enough time to train properly if, at the same time she was going to be a U.S. Air Force Pilot and Summit Diplomat all at once.
Rapper? No, it’s hard to be gangsta when you’re also a Marine Core Sargeant, Teacher, Chef, Business Executive, Doctor AND Presidential Candidate (sexually harrassed intern sold seperately.)
In fact Barbie would be a Presidential Candidate four more times over the years. But each time she was forced to withdraw from the race when the press discovered scandals that threatened to ruin her professional and private life. One year, they even went so far as to suggest that there was something illicit going on between Barbie and Skipper. Barbie denied these accusations and no substantial proof would ever be produced.
Having always been athletic, Barbie would eventually go on to try her hand at being an Olympic Athlete, Baseball Player, Professional WNBA Player, Women’s World Cup Soccer Player, Swim Instructor, and Gymnastic Coach. Each of these dolls came with home and away uniforms, duffel bag and mini case of steroids. Seedy hotel bathroom stall set sold seperately.
Barbie has gone through so many careers in her lifetime. While she was successful at each and every thing she did, they all left her feeling empty. The one thing she often came back to was music and athletics. If only she could find a way to combine the two in one fulfilling and prosperous career.
SHE COULD!
The Mattel Corporation, in association with Larry Flynt Productions is pleased to announce the newest addition to it’s Barbie family of dolls:
2011’s Stripper Barbie.
This very fit, very diseased Barbie comes with strategically hidden tattoos, two different thongs, two sets of stick on pasties, a stripper pole, crabs, textbooks (because she’s only stripping to put herself through college to become a doctor, SeaWorld Trainer, Pre-School Teacher, Cake Baker, and American Idol Winner), a newborn baby that lives with Grandma Barbie (sold seperately) a DNA test to find out who the real father is (Once you find out who the father is by taking the DNA test, you can go to the store and buy the father doll! Don’t expect him to be part of the kid’s life though because his night with Barbie was a mistake and he is not leaving his wife), and miniature scraps of paper with her “phone number” on it to give out to the businessmen who think that Barbie is interested in them and not just the twenties they keep stuffing down her pants. Just touch Barbie’s face with the magical cloth and bruises appear from when she lied to Ken about how much money she made that night! Also available is a leatherette booth, half full ashtrays on wobbly tables and a disco ball with several mirrors missing.
Club Pimp Ken doll sold seperately and with the following accessories: Pimp Cup, Fur coat, Bling. Extra Be-otches also sold seperately.
Stripper Barbie: Now we know how she afforded that Dream House.
That's Not Appropriate 