RSS

Monthly Archives: February 2012

Live from the Oscars

Live from the Oscars

I watch the awards shows. But not because I think that actors and musicians are really lacking the recognition they deserve. I think we can all agree that the last people on earth that needs an ego boost is Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt. I watch for the same reason that I, almost every season, tune in for the season finale of The Apprentice even though I haven’t been watching it the rest of the year: it’s LIVE. This means that anything can happen. Someone may have a very public meltdown. The censors may not bleep someone in time. Or worst case scenario, Janet Jackson might flash her boob.

I watched the Oscars last night. And for the record I was wearing a lovely off the shoulder strapless emerald gown made by Carolina Herrera. It was amazing. It made me look very fit, made me a stunning five foot nine inches tall and gave me the right curves in all the right places. Unfortunately, the paparazzi were not aware of my Oscar viewing party (And by party, I mean party of one, because none of my friends will sit through three and a half hours of unwitty banter on the possibility of hearing a unbleeped cussword.) so there are no pictures documenting how fabulous I really looked so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Instead of flooding Facebook with eighteen hundred status updates of my every thought, I decided to jot down my thoughts, however random they may be, and share them in a blog. If you watched the Oscars, you’ll understand. If you didn’t, then I have condensed the highlights (as they appeared in my mind) into a sort of laundry list for you to peruse, thereby saving you those three and a half hours. Don’t ask me to do the same for you with Titanic in 3-D. I was barely able to sit through that the first time. So here are my thoughts, in the order that they came to me.

Morgan Freeman opening the Oscars by standing on the stage and welcoming us to the 84th Annual Academy Awards? What was that? Was that necessary? It felt weird. I thought I sat on my remote and accidentally flipped to Ken Burn’s Civil War on PBS.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s hair. Nix that. Gwyneth Paltrow. You could hand her any book, any essay, anything written by any number of geniuses, ask her to read aloud from it, and she will still come off sounding unintelligent.

Billy Crystal looks more and more like an old woman every year. I kept wanting to tie a scarf around his head, put him in a tattered coat, fingerless gloves and unlaced boots and send him out into the streets to beg for bread.

Martin Scorcese (DO A SHOT!) looks like that little old man in some of the Pixar short films. It’s the dark eyebrows but I can just picture him repairing a toy.

Brian Grazer has weird hair. It sticks up all over the place and you can tell he did it on purpose. I know we had the messy look but was his style ever actually popular?

The McDonald’s commercial where the two girls are sitting there eating fries and they see a cute boy and one of the girls starts doing the “he loves me, he loves me not” schtick? Not realistic at all. They show the girl’s hand reaching for a fry from the box and the box is not all spotted and stained with grease. It’s perfectly dry and stain free. Yeah right.

Did they really just show a scene from Twilight in the “Oscar’s best movie moments” montage? Seriously? Twilight at the Oscars? That’s like Ryan Seacrest announcing that he’s getting married….TO A WOMAN.

Why can’t Jennifer Lopez show up for just one awards show, just one, where she doesn’t have her dress cut so low? Those puppies don’t need to breathe that much.

Great. A video clip of Reese Witherspoon talking about her all time favorite movie (Overboard. OVERBOARD? YOU HAVE A BAZILLION CLASSICS TO CHOOSE FROM AND YOU ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD THAT YOUR ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIE IS OVERBOARD????) Now I will be thinking about her weird chin all night.

Sandra Bullock presenting for best foreign film, while speaking Chinese with a German accent. And the audience applauded. Weird, weird, weird.

Best part of the entire night: The Cast of the Christopher Guest movies doing the focus group spoof. Is it going to have flying monkeys? LOVED IT.

Some of the commercials from the Oscars were way better than the Superbowl commercials. I absolutely loved the Ellen Degeneres/JC Penney commercials. They were hilarious! And effective, because I was able to tell you what company they were for, which is a lot more than I can say about some of the Superbowl ads. That Motley Crue, pixie dust commercial? What was that for?

LOVED the Cirque de Soleil performance. I can’t imagine how many aches and pains those people will have when they hit forty.

Christopher Plummer, 82, wins an Oscar, making him the oldest person ever to win one? Yay! More Edelweiss!

Angelina Jolie. She gets on the stage in a Jessica Rabbit-like gown and immediately throws her right leg out to the side to show off how high her dress is cut. Who does that? That cried “I’m desperate to prove I’m still sexy. Please cheer for me and my varicose vein-free right leg.”

I’d rather not win an Oscar than to win one and have to walk from the back of the auditorium all the way down to the stage to get it. I would feel like they really didn’t think I deserved it but got outnumbered by the votes or that they thought I was just a flash in the pan who would never make it back here again. Oscar speech:  “Thanks Academy…for not really believing in me!”

(This is un-Oscar related but happened so I feel like I have to include it in the timeline of thoughts) I hate it when I’m clipping my toenails and one errant toenail flies off somewhere and then no matter how hard I try to find it, I can’t. Every time I go near the spot where the clipping occurred I will always be looking for that toenail, knowing that it’s still around.

I do not like Oprah. I did however, like the Jimmy Kimmel “Say Anything” promo with her. If only it hadn’t had Oprah in it…

In Memoriam: I’m just glad that Jennifer Hudson didn’t offer her services for this tribute.

Ashley Judd is going to be in a TV series? What went wrong in that career? Ashley, you’re going the wrong way! It’s television, THEN movies! Follow the Clooney model!

Who looked at Ed Norton and thought “This guy would make a great leading man.” He looks like the guy at Wal-mart whose sole job is to make keys.

Why does pot make your eyes puffy? (Please note that I was not smoking pot. Read next note to understand my train of thought.)

Billy Crystal’s eyes seem to be more open as the night goes on. I wonder if he was high when the show started and is now sobering up a bit. Because he was all squinty in the beginning but now I can see pupils.

How can anyone NOT like George Clooney?

Why do people think that Brad Pitt is a good actor? Sure, he was cute at one time. But every role is just Brad Pitt playing Brad Pitt.

And finally, SO EXCITED that Meryl Streep finally won again! Seventeen nominations and only two wins?

That? That right there? That proves that life is not fair.

Advertisements
 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 27, 2012 in Bad TV is the Best TV

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Valentine’s Day 3…I swear this is the last one

Valentine’s Day 3…I swear this is the last one

I’ve never hidden my candy obsession from you. So I don’t want to start now. As is my modus operandi, the few days following any candy-bearing holiday are when I strike. I am not stupid. I know that those chocolate Easter eggs or cherry candy canes will taste exactly the same the week after Christmas as they do the two months before. I can wait, to buy 12 boxes of cherry candy canes for twenty-four cents a box, I can wait.

Since Halloween I have built up quite a healthy (or unhealthy as the case definitely is) supply of candy. My candy drawer is what YOU might call way too full, although I would never describe it that way. It has reached an all time high to the point that it has now begun to seep into my freezer (a ten pound bag of Snickers, Milky Way,Twix, and M&M’s -plain and peanut- and three or four bags of candy corn, for mixing with peanuts. If you don’t know already, mixing a few pieces of candy corn with a few peanuts tastes exactly like a Payday candy bar. If you didn’t know this, try it, it will change your life…for about a minute.) and there is a two and a half-foot tall stack of candy canes sitting in the corner of my kitchen. The candy drawer has candy from Halloween, Christmas, and most recently Valentine’s Day.

I think we can all agree that I have indeed proven my expertise in the candy arena but some might not know that I am also a professional clearance shopper (For Christmas you will be getting a Scooby Doo Ipad cover. I do not care if you don’t have an Ipad and if you hate Scooby Doo, it was a dollar fifty so I will pretend that I picked it out especially for you and you will pretend that you absolutely love it. It’s how the world works.) So I’m just going to say it: As far as clearance shopping for candy, Valentine’s Day is the worst because there are only a few different things to choose from: chocolates in a heart-shaped box or those stupid little chalky “conversation hearts.”

Which brings me to the point of this entire essay. Yes, I realize it took three paragraphs to get here but bear with me, I think it’ll be worth it.

Chalky conversation hearts are one of the worst candies on the face of the earth. If you like them, please skip this part because this could ruin it for you. Conversation hearts are just heart-shaped Necco wafers which are only good for one thing: making the walkway up to the Christmas gingerbread house you make every year. And conversation hearts come in deceptive packaging.. They come in these cute little personal boxes all red and pink and full of the promise of love and good conversation. We were supposed to give them to people as gifts because if there’s one thing that is universal, it is that we all love eating chalk. (Sidenote: I do give props to the candy companies over the last few years in their attempts at evolving the candy hearts into something more closely resembling an edible. Now they have ones that taste like the inside powdery part of Runts. These are actually quite good but then I get all excited and eat the whole box and have those little painful citrus bumps on my tongue for days.)

My other issue with the “conversation hearts” is that they do not truly represent conversations. I think the candy companies could do better. I realize that over the years they’ve tried to jazz up their sayings by getting all Imy (pronounced Ay Em EEEEE) and texty. But still I think some changes need to be made.

Let’s first examine some of the familiar sayings:

GO GIRL – ok, seriously, has anyone really said this since 1992? I myself never said it but honestly, I haven’t even heard this since the early nineties. Even then it made me cringe.

U R MINE – Oh I get it, now we’re teaching kids very early on to be possessive of their significant others. All along I thought we were just giving them something to throw at each other during the Valentine’s Day party at school.

DON’T TELL – Yikes. I think that best explains what we are all thinking.

GO BOY – I’m not sure this was ever even a catchphrase. It’s almost like the candy company is trying to coin a cool new saying.

EMAIL ME – Do little kids not talk on the playground anymore? Or is this an attempt to draw nostalgic adults back into the world of crappy candy?

LUV ME – This one not only teaches horrible spelling but also, no matter what color you choose, if you hold it up very close to your nose, you will smell desperation and patheticness-osity-fullment.(I teach made up words.)

MY HERO – because every little girl needs someone to swoop in and save her. We just can’t do anything for ourselves!

GOT LOVE? – This one made my list because of its laziness and lack of creativity. It’s a crutch and I do not like comedy crutches.

DARE YA – This one kind of falls under the “DON’T TELL” category. Yikes again.

JUST DANCE – Did Nintendo expand into the world of candy making? Or are the people who come up with these just aging and trying to grasp at anything that seems to be “hot” these days?

HOLLA – I’m not sure but I think this short-lived phrase lost its luster around 2004. I don’t know, I ain’t no HOLLAback girl…

GUESS WHO? – My problem with this one is more of a safety issue. If you don’t know who is giving you the candy, perhaps you shouldn’t put it in your mouth. Have we learned nothing from the never-true rumor about the razor-blade-laden apples?

DRAMA QUEEN – Ahhhhh behold, the rarest of rare, the passive aggressive conversation heart.

TEXT ME – Look how hip the candy makers are!

CHICKS RULE – I am not a fowl.

And those are just the ones I could read. Also among the hearts, I found many smudgey sayings (Romy thought one that said “CUTEY” said “CURRY”) and one heart that even had a smudgerific (made up word) picture that looked kind of pornographic.

I think it’s time we got real with our conversation hearts. Put something on those hearts that I feel comfortable giving to people. In my proposal to the candy companies about these much-needed changes I also plan on sending them some ideas for new sayings on the hearts:

STOP STARING AT ME

I GUESS I LIKE YOU OK AS A FRIEND BUT SERIOUSLY, STOP STARING AT ME

QUIT TEXTING ME LIKE EVERY FIVE MINUTES, I DON’T LIKE YOU THAT WAY

YOU SUCK

YOU’RE BREAKING THE RESTRAINING ORDER

I WILL CALL THE COPS

DON’T TOUCH THAT

YOU AMUSE ME. YOU MAY STAY.

YOUR HUGS MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE

I’M DEFRIENDING YOU

YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY ON DRUGS

UR VIOLATING PAROLE!

YOU’RE NOT A FOOTBALL COACH, ARE YOU?

Those are some hearts I would gladly give out.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 22, 2012 in Random

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Valentine’s Day-Part Deux

Valentine’s Day-Part Deux

I hate Valentine’s Day. I should say I hate Valentine’s Day as an adult, or at my current age which is as close to being an adult as I will ever get.  It’s an excuse for Hallmark to sell a cutesy animated stuffed animal(with the purchase of 3 cards) so that you don’t have to really go out and think of a real gift. It’s the gift card of Valentine’s Day. Hallmark makes it easy for people who are too lazy to think of a creative or appropriate gift. And love is in the air. Why do we need a day specifically marked to show love? Shouldn’t we be treating people with love all year round, minus the candy, flowers and other red pink and white crap?

I loved Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. The whole process: first during art class at school you made the shoebox mailbox,covering it in construction paper and paper doilies, maybe some vellum cupids and pink hearts,also cut out of construction paper or tissue paper, which incidentally doesn’t respond to glue well. I was in Wal-mart the other day and saw that you can now buy your Valentines cards in a pre-made mailbox…you know, because kids have so much going on these days that they don’t have time for this childish mailbox making. Then you pick out the theme of your cards(Snoopy for me) then sitting with your mom, before you could write to pick out the perfect valentine for each member of your class. Hopefully you weren’t one of those people who didn’t give all of the kids a card. If you were, then you can just quit reading this now because I don’t like you. Go on. Get out of here. You are not welcome in my world. Anyway, you start with your closest friends, giving them the best cards first. You don’t want to give people the same card but with only 32 cards and 4 designs it’s bound to happen.

Then you go to school that day and you’re all excited because the last hour of school is set aside for the rockin’ Valentines Day party. So you try to get through the day and focus but let’s face it you;re not learning anything today, you’re just biding your time until you can get your hands on the cupcakes. Finally, the anticipation is over. All of the desks are moved to one side of the room, for a reason I will never understand. It’s not like first graders are going to dance when there is a buttload of candy and cupcakes and fruit punch to inhale. Nothing like giving little kids a ton of sugar and sending them home to their parents. Everyone walks around the room putting their cards in the little shoeboxes. Some kids put those little chalky hearts in the envelopes. I never ate them because we all know that most of those little kids didn’t wash their hands and had their fingers up their noses and in and on other bits and pieces. After the mail is delivered to the construction paper-covered Nike boxes, everyone goes off with their friends or alone to check out all of their cards. Then the cupcakes are handed out and the icing on top is piled at least as high as the actual cake. You get a little coffee cup, if you’re lucky, of fruit punch, or if you’re not lucky a Dixie cup. I could never get the cupcake/fruit punch ratio right when I was given a Dixie cup of punch and always ended up with drymouth. Everyone sits around eating and drinking, laughing and comparing cards. The sugar kicks in and kids start running around chasing each other and you know now why they moved the desks. Inevitably one little kid will fall and tear a hole in their Toughskins jeans and thus the party ends.

Then you go home and you take out all of your Valentines and you organize them and you see who sent you doubles and you analyze what was meant by the “I choo choo choose you”(thanks ralph wiggum) card that that little boy who normally throws gummy bears at you gave you. You organize, re-organize and put them away for later viewing.

The next day sucks because everyone is worn out from the sugar overdose and sad because the day of love is over. Ok….that part is pretty much the same now as it was when I was a kid.

I guess I shouldn’t say I hate Valentine’s Day as an adult because as one I have the ability to mold my own post-Valentine’s day destiny…

which involves hitting as many clearanced candy sales as possible…..

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 16, 2012 in Jenn's Adventures

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Valentine’s Day-Part 1

Valentine’s Day-Part 1

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! Not that I celebrate this “holiday” as an adult but as a kid, I LOVED it!  Today I had a special Valentine’s day gift for you: a new blog specifically about the day but alas, I thought it was on my computer but it’s on my flash drive and I’m not at home and the flash drive is.

That being said, I just want to throw it out there that Thursday, I PROMISE to post my Valentine’s Day blog for you, chock-full of love, cupid, overpriced roses and chalky hearts.

In the meantime let me leave you with my wisdom for this day.  Today, if you are over the age of eleven, please resist the urge to wish someone a “Happy VD!”  followed by a few minutes of giggling at yourself. This joke has not been funny since right before we turned into teenagers.  Wishing someone a “Happy VD” is the equivalent of giving them a gift from Spencer’s.  It’s just embarrassing for everyone involved, onlookers included.

With the day almost over, my hope for you is that you also did NOT wear a heart sticker on any part of your clothing today and make some sort of joke about having a “heart on.”  This, too is like buying a gift from Spencer’s.

What’s that? Will I be spending tonight with a special someone?  Perhaps.  Or perhaps my day is ending now because I have to be up at five am to go to work.  Either way,  my Valentine’s Day, despite having a doctor’s appointment, has been pretty dang good.  🙂 

Until Thursday, HAPPY VD!!!!! 

Yes I did….but just to prove my point. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Spencer’s to buy an ice cube tray that makes them in the shape of boobs.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Jenn's Adventures

 

Tags: , , , ,

The Zoo

The Zoo

I bought a zoo! Wait…that wasn’t me. That was Matt Damon in a crappy looking movie made just to sell popcorn. Ever since the incident that shall hereafter be known as the “Four Dollar Haircut Debacle of 1997” (I had to wear hats for a year. Many tears were shed, many hats were worn.) I am oft mistaken for Matt Damon. For years strangers would come up to me and ask me to say “Do you like apples?” Most of the time I obliged because they would offer to pay for my meal if I said it.

I did go to the zoo today though. And I thought about buying it but after much inner debate I realized that I would have a lot of poo to clean up and while I love my dog, following her around with a poop bag is my least favorite dog owner duty. (Ha ha. See how I did that? I used the word “duty” while talking about “doody.” I amuse myself. I have to; no one else will.) So for now I will just remain a frequent guest. Because guests never get asked to clean up poo unless it is their own and that’s a discussion that you never want to have with your host.

You went to a zoo in February? Are you crazy? (These are your thoughts. I am not talking to myself. I am pretending that you are talking to me….so yeah, I guess I’m talking to myself.) YES. I did go to the zoo in February. I have the day off and should be going back any day now to my secret job so I thought I should make the most of this sunny semi-chilly day. I figured that there wouldn’t be a lot of people there, I wouldn’t have to fight the buses upon buses of schoolchildren pandering for the best view of the bears and the animals are usually more active when the weather is cooler.

So I thought.

The St. Louis Zoo is, by far, one of the best zoos in the nation. For one thing, it’s two miles from my house so I kind of like that and also it’s free unless you want to go touch a stingray (which I don’t) or pet an alpaca (Sorry, alpacas. Although I find you very cute, my friend Romy owns a whole gaggle of them and I can see them, pet them and be spit upon by them any time I want.) or feed a goat (I only feed goats at Grant’s Farm, another awesome St. Louis landmark. Seriously, you should come visit my city. Look me up. I’ll take you on a tour. Unless you’re a serial killer. Serial Killers need not apply.) It also has some pretty cool exhibits: Penguin and Puffin Coast, 1904 World’s Fair Flight Cage Walk-Through and the soon-to-open $120 million Sea Lion Sound, which by the looks of it should be amazing. It’s going to have underwater viewing stations and an underwater tunnel. I can’t wait.

I started off my journey at the River’s Edge. It’s a jungle-ish walk through various exhibits of spotted hyenas, warthogs, cheetahs, bush dogs, hippos and Asian elephants. Along the path there are also fake gazelles dangling from tree branches (one can only assume that the gazelle was carried up by a fake predator and left there to be made into fake jerky) hidden speakers to simulate natural animal sounds and as you round one corner, a giant plaster king cobra standing about three feet tall with its hood up and coiled around its eggs. Scares the crap out of me every time and I know exactly where it is. Today, I pulled a Yadi on the cobra and made sure to turn my head and not look at it even once because Yadi’s theory is that if she doesn’t see it, it doesn’t exist. I have to say that this works well when dealing with three foot tall plaster king cobras. The first several exhibits seemed empty. There was no warthog. The cheetah was in its cage. No bush dogs. No foxes. What the heck? On a positive note, up until this point, the only people I saw where caretakers.

I got to one of my favorite exhibits in the River’s Edge. It’s a giant tank of water teeming with various fish and about five hippos. Part of the exhibit is dry land but the part where you stand, under a bamboo shelter, is looking directly into the little pond where the hippos tend to hang out. There was a family of four (I swear it was Larry the Cable guy and his family) gathered peering into the glass so I prematurely got my hopes up that I would finally see some animals. I walked up to the glass and looked for a hippo…any hippo. No hippo. But for Larry and fam, this was a pretty big deal. I know this because right as I was walking up I heard him exclaim with a little more excitement than necessary,

“Lookee they-urr! Kate-fish! That’s a big’un!!!!”

Larry and his family might come to the zoo to see the Kate-fish. I do not.

Disappointed, I walked on. I came upon the spotted hyenas. At first I thought there was just the one sleeping in his den (a cave, not his tv room or where he reads his National Geographics) but then I spotted one a little further away. As I got closer, I noticed that he was gnawing on the nearly-bare skull of something. As gross as that was, and as squeamish as I am, I still watched for a while.

Last summer, the St. Louis Zoo was fortunate to have a baby elephant, Kenzi. I saw her a few days after she went on display and she was adorable. I walked toward the Asian elephant exhibit. The first viewing station was empty, except for an obese squirrel who was in the distance munching on something. I stopped for a second, secretly hoping that at any moment an elephant might come barreling around the corner and squish him. I’m not saying I wanted to see death or anything and it probably would have actually really upset me but at this point, I just wanted to see some sign of life, even if it led to a display of death.

I went to the next elephant viewing station. Nothing.

To the next. Empty.

Where were the elephants hanging out? Where can four elephants hide? Were they getting their hair did somewhere?

There are a few things that, separately, won’t faze me. But together, they are the perfect storm for my imagination to run amuck. The first component is the missing elephants. The second is that right when I got to the end of the elephant exhibit and saw no elephants, I looked down on the ground and found a bolt. A BOLT. A BOLT AS IN HARDWARE THAT IS NEEDED TO KEEP THESE WILD ANIMALS FROM STAMPEDING UNSUSPECTING VISITORS. The third is that behind me, I heard breaking bamboo. Separately, harmless. Experiencing all three together in the span of a minute and my mind is seeing headlines:

‘LOCAL BLOGGER CRUSHED TO DEATH BY ANGRY ASIAN ELEPHANTS. OBESE SQUIRREL ESCAPES HARM.”

‘CITY GIRL CRUSHED TO DEATH BY KENZI, THE NORMALLY DOCILE BABY ELEPHANT. SPOTTED HYENA FIRST ON THE SCENE AND MAKES OFF WITH THE SKULL!”

‘LARRY THE CABLE GUY’S FIRST TRIP TO THE ZOO MARRED BY LOCAL’S UNTIMELY DEATH, LATER ARRESTED FOR ILLEGAL CATFISHING IN THE HIPPO POND!” (worse than just death, I don’t even get top billing in this one.)

In my best action movie, slow motion turn around, I find relief. It was just a chipmunk. Still can’t explain the bolt though. I brought it home as a souvenir. Tonight, if one of the top stories on the news is that somehow a bolt was misplaced at the zoo, leading to several animals escaping, I will take down this blog and deny its existence.

I left the River’s Edge and headed towards the bears. The first bear exhibit was empty. I came up to the sloth bear. High up on a rocky cliff he was eating and pooping at the same time. I can’t imagine that he wanted me staring at him while he went about his business so I walked on. Got to give him props for making the most of his time though.

Next up, another of my favorite places in the zoo-Penguin and Puffin Coast. Said to be the only one like it in the United States, this is a small but impressive sight. You walk through sliding doors and are greeted by a blast of forty-five degree air. Another set of doors open and you are magically transported to a room that is filled with penguins. There’s a walkway down the middle of the room and on both sides, penguins are standing on rocks or diving into the water. The walls are glass and are only about four feet tall. If you’re a first time visitor and without someone who knows stuff, you will be all excited and walk right up to the glass because you’re less than a foot from the penguins! And then a penguin will see you there and he will dive right in front of you. And you will be covered in penguiny water and smell like it the rest of the day. You can tell the people who have been there before because they all walk down the middle of the path and never get too close to the glass. (Side note: I figured out that one of the reasons the penguins are my favorite is because of the way they walk. They always walk like they’re afraid they’re going to slip and fall. It amuses me to see penguins being so careful.) Of course, there are a few other downsides to the penguin and puffin exhibit. One that has always bothered me is that it doesn’t seem healthy to be in an enclosed area breathing in bird air. The other thing is, and this didn’t bother me until a friend pointed it out, that it smells like a women’s restroom that hasn’t been cleaned in days. I guess I should mention the puffin part of the exhibit. The puffins are contained in a small area much like the penguins. They really don’t get much attention and are kind of boring but you have to walk past them before you are forced to exit into a well-placed Penguin and Puffin Coast gift shop.

A few years ago, the zoo spent a ton of money revamping its chimpanzee, gorilla and ape exhibits so that it was more like their “natural habitat.” We studied these animals and not once do I ever remember seeing a chimpanzee lounging in a hammock made of recycled fire hoses. (Another side note: I would love one of these hammocks in my house. Please write to me if you can hook me up with one.) Watching the chimpanzees kind of creeps me out because of their eyes and their hands. They look so smart through their eyes, almost human. And if you watch how they use their hands, again, almost human. Today one of them took his hand and shielded his eyes from the sun. That’s pretty smart. But then he started pulling poop from his own butt and nibbling on it and I realized that maybe he’s not as smart as I thought. And not for one minute have I, or will I, EVER believe that I “evolved” from these or any other creature. I’m not here to debate but if I evolved that far, why wouldn’t I keep evolving? If anything we are DEvolving….the Kardashians are proof of this.

I walked up to where the giraffes are kept. In one little area there were two ostriches, a gazelle and a gerenuk (I think that’s how it is spelled) and two giraffes. The giraffes were off eating grass and the ostriches were eating bugs off of each other’s butts. But the gazelle and the gerenuk mesmerized me. I couldn’t tell if they were male or female but I think they both must have been male because they kept clashing. I watched them for about fifteen minutes. The gerenuk would be going about his business, doing little gerenuk things, thinking little gerenuk thoughts:

“When’s lunch?”

“What’s that smell?”

“There’s that obese squirrel again….”

And the gazelle would see the gerenuk in his own little world and he would start after him. They would both stop and look at each other for a few seconds, with their snouts about two inches apart and then almost at the same time they would both lower their heads and slowly butt them together with their horns clashing. It wasn’t violent but at the same time it didn’t seem to be friendly. Then they would push each other and just as slowly back off. The gerenuk would then walk away with the gazelle trailing behind him, antagonizing him until he turned around and they started the process over again with exactly the same results. Were they enemies? Was this a territorial thing? I don’t think so. I think that they had been playing a word game and the gerenuk won the game because the gazelle used a made up word like “creasotey” and the gazelle was just mad that he didn’t win. At least, that’s what leads me and Romy to butt heads like that.

My last stop was in Big Cat Country. My favorite part of the Big Cats is the Snow Leopard. Most of the time you don’t see him in the summer but today there were two out. One was snoozing on his side and the other walked up to him and looked down at him, like he wanted to wake him up to play. He stared at the sleeping leopard for a while and then just cuddled down beside him. It was kind of cute.

All of the times I’ve been at the zoo I’ve never heard the lion roar. You can hear them roar up to five miles away so I figured that if I was twenty feet away it would feel much like it does when a car drives by with its bass thumping. I read the placard that pretends to educate me on lions. It said that they roar to alert the pride of danger or to gather the pride.

I made up my mind to make him roar. I figured that in my biker jacket (with pretty striped scarf) that I might look menacing. I’d be scared of me. Alas, he was not. I made constant eye contact with him, trying to antagonize him but he just blinked at me and looked away as a flock of sparrows flew out of the tree above his head. When I regained eye contact, I WILLED him to roar. Today I learned that you cannot will a lion to roar. More often than not he will stare at you for a minute, blink, get up, walk in a tight circle and then plop back down on his side. Oh well.

By this time I had spent two hours at the zoo and was tired and hungry and still had to walk all the way back to my car on the other side. I headed towards the gate and on my way got to see a bonus exhibit. Coming at me about thirty feet down the path was a man in the middle of the path. Might have been homeless. Might have been drunk. Definitely a little off his nut. He was dancing a jig and talking to himself (and anyone who passed by) and generally scaring people who had to walk by him. I hurried my step a little and then kind of felt disappointed as I realized that he totally beat me to the punch on suggesting a human exhibit at the zoo.

Dang it.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 6, 2012 in Jenn's Adventures

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,