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Live from the Oscars

Live from the Oscars

I watch the awards shows. But not because I think that actors and musicians are really lacking the recognition they deserve. I think we can all agree that the last people on earth that needs an ego boost is Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt. I watch for the same reason that I, almost every season, tune in for the season finale of The Apprentice even though I haven’t been watching it the rest of the year: it’s LIVE. This means that anything can happen. Someone may have a very public meltdown. The censors may not bleep someone in time. Or worst case scenario, Janet Jackson might flash her boob.

I watched the Oscars last night. And for the record I was wearing a lovely off the shoulder strapless emerald gown made by Carolina Herrera. It was amazing. It made me look very fit, made me a stunning five foot nine inches tall and gave me the right curves in all the right places. Unfortunately, the paparazzi were not aware of my Oscar viewing party (And by party, I mean party of one, because none of my friends will sit through three and a half hours of unwitty banter on the possibility of hearing a unbleeped cussword.) so there are no pictures documenting how fabulous I really looked so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Instead of flooding Facebook with eighteen hundred status updates of my every thought, I decided to jot down my thoughts, however random they may be, and share them in a blog. If you watched the Oscars, you’ll understand. If you didn’t, then I have condensed the highlights (as they appeared in my mind) into a sort of laundry list for you to peruse, thereby saving you those three and a half hours. Don’t ask me to do the same for you with Titanic in 3-D. I was barely able to sit through that the first time. So here are my thoughts, in the order that they came to me.

Morgan Freeman opening the Oscars by standing on the stage and welcoming us to the 84th Annual Academy Awards? What was that? Was that necessary? It felt weird. I thought I sat on my remote and accidentally flipped to Ken Burn’s Civil War on PBS.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s hair. Nix that. Gwyneth Paltrow. You could hand her any book, any essay, anything written by any number of geniuses, ask her to read aloud from it, and she will still come off sounding unintelligent.

Billy Crystal looks more and more like an old woman every year. I kept wanting to tie a scarf around his head, put him in a tattered coat, fingerless gloves and unlaced boots and send him out into the streets to beg for bread.

Martin Scorcese (DO A SHOT!) looks like that little old man in some of the Pixar short films. It’s the dark eyebrows but I can just picture him repairing a toy.

Brian Grazer has weird hair. It sticks up all over the place and you can tell he did it on purpose. I know we had the messy look but was his style ever actually popular?

The McDonald’s commercial where the two girls are sitting there eating fries and they see a cute boy and one of the girls starts doing the “he loves me, he loves me not” schtick? Not realistic at all. They show the girl’s hand reaching for a fry from the box and the box is not all spotted and stained with grease. It’s perfectly dry and stain free. Yeah right.

Did they really just show a scene from Twilight in the “Oscar’s best movie moments” montage? Seriously? Twilight at the Oscars? That’s like Ryan Seacrest announcing that he’s getting married….TO A WOMAN.

Why can’t Jennifer Lopez show up for just one awards show, just one, where she doesn’t have her dress cut so low? Those puppies don’t need to breathe that much.

Great. A video clip of Reese Witherspoon talking about her all time favorite movie (Overboard. OVERBOARD? YOU HAVE A BAZILLION CLASSICS TO CHOOSE FROM AND YOU ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD THAT YOUR ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIE IS OVERBOARD????) Now I will be thinking about her weird chin all night.

Sandra Bullock presenting for best foreign film, while speaking Chinese with a German accent. And the audience applauded. Weird, weird, weird.

Best part of the entire night: The Cast of the Christopher Guest movies doing the focus group spoof. Is it going to have flying monkeys? LOVED IT.

Some of the commercials from the Oscars were way better than the Superbowl commercials. I absolutely loved the Ellen Degeneres/JC Penney commercials. They were hilarious! And effective, because I was able to tell you what company they were for, which is a lot more than I can say about some of the Superbowl ads. That Motley Crue, pixie dust commercial? What was that for?

LOVED the Cirque de Soleil performance. I can’t imagine how many aches and pains those people will have when they hit forty.

Christopher Plummer, 82, wins an Oscar, making him the oldest person ever to win one? Yay! More Edelweiss!

Angelina Jolie. She gets on the stage in a Jessica Rabbit-like gown and immediately throws her right leg out to the side to show off how high her dress is cut. Who does that? That cried “I’m desperate to prove I’m still sexy. Please cheer for me and my varicose vein-free right leg.”

I’d rather not win an Oscar than to win one and have to walk from the back of the auditorium all the way down to the stage to get it. I would feel like they really didn’t think I deserved it but got outnumbered by the votes or that they thought I was just a flash in the pan who would never make it back here again. Oscar speech:  “Thanks Academy…for not really believing in me!”

(This is un-Oscar related but happened so I feel like I have to include it in the timeline of thoughts) I hate it when I’m clipping my toenails and one errant toenail flies off somewhere and then no matter how hard I try to find it, I can’t. Every time I go near the spot where the clipping occurred I will always be looking for that toenail, knowing that it’s still around.

I do not like Oprah. I did however, like the Jimmy Kimmel “Say Anything” promo with her. If only it hadn’t had Oprah in it…

In Memoriam: I’m just glad that Jennifer Hudson didn’t offer her services for this tribute.

Ashley Judd is going to be in a TV series? What went wrong in that career? Ashley, you’re going the wrong way! It’s television, THEN movies! Follow the Clooney model!

Who looked at Ed Norton and thought “This guy would make a great leading man.” He looks like the guy at Wal-mart whose sole job is to make keys.

Why does pot make your eyes puffy? (Please note that I was not smoking pot. Read next note to understand my train of thought.)

Billy Crystal’s eyes seem to be more open as the night goes on. I wonder if he was high when the show started and is now sobering up a bit. Because he was all squinty in the beginning but now I can see pupils.

How can anyone NOT like George Clooney?

Why do people think that Brad Pitt is a good actor? Sure, he was cute at one time. But every role is just Brad Pitt playing Brad Pitt.

And finally, SO EXCITED that Meryl Streep finally won again! Seventeen nominations and only two wins?

That? That right there? That proves that life is not fair.

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Posted by on February 27, 2012 in Bad TV is the Best TV

 

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Public Bathrooms

Public Bathrooms

Public bathrooms unhinge me a tad.  Unless absolutely necessary, I do not use them. There are just too many variables, too many moving parts in the machine of a public restroom that can mutate a basic human necessity into a bad experience. Let me clarify before I move on that I am talking (in strictly clinical terms, of course) about Going Number “1” and not Number “2” because that deserves its own day in court.

The thought of all of the germs and pieces of unknown material on the floors of the bathroom present the first possible problem. And as I found out yesterday in Super Wal-Mart, this fear is amplified when I wear sandals. I didn’t plan the right footwear for an outing into a public washroom so my feet were navigating around sanitary napkins, pieces of toilet paper and unidentifiable (and I will gladly leave these bits unidentified) strewn objects. And while no one will give you a second glance if you use HAND sanitizer when you’re leaving the lou, they will absofruitly rubberneck if they see you sit down on the bench outside of the bathroom and slather anti-bacterial gel on your feet.

My biggest fear of going into a public restroom is that I will find a dead body in one of the stalls. While I don’t know the statistics on the likelihood of this happening, it’s always in the forefront of my mind. It doesn’t matter that the bathroom is in a Super Wal-Mart in St. Louis and that there is heavy traffic in and out of the lavatory all day, I am always scared that I will happen to walk in right after the death has occurred and will then have to deal with the aftermath. And whilst I have given this fear a lot of mental energy, I have not contemplated what I will do the day it actually happens.

The next decision is the stall.  I always go to the stall that is closest to the bathroom’s entrance because I read somewhere (once, so of course I never forgot it) that statistically the first stall is always the cleanest because it gets the least traffic. What the stats don’t show is that this stall is also the one that ALWAYS has a little nub of lingering poo floating around in it. It really is a disgusting thing to behold but unless there is a line forming, it doesn’t pose a huge problem. I just enter, notice the poo and then immediately do that little u-turn that you do when you either:

 a) Observe lingering poo in the bowl

or

b) See that the toilet is completely filled with what looks like clean toilet paper but is definitely hiding something underneath that WON’T flush and that you don’t want to be blamed for.

So once I’ve secured a stall, I look for a place to hang my journey bag (Read: purse but less girly, more of a rucksack) because I do not want ANY PART of my bag touching ANY PART of the floor at ANY TIME. Usually there is a coat hook on the back of the stall but in well-used lounges sometimes the hook is broken off or dangling by one screw. As a way of trying to stifle complaints about these kinds of things, most public restrooms have secured that little stainless steel four inch slab on the wall RIGHT ABOVE THE COMMODE, so that you can chance the contents of your purse tipping into the toilet. Clearly this was designed by a man who didn’t mind fishing his sunglasses out of a pee-filled toilet and plopping them back on his head. If I don’t have a coat hook, I do another u-turn, line permitting.

I do not sit on the toilets. I don’t care if I watched the janitor scrub the seat. I am not sitting on that. Even if they supply me with that little thin toilet seat cover that floats off in the draft caused by your incoming butt right before you sit down, I am not letting my skin touch that seat. I hover.

Hovering brings its own dilemmas to the table. The Hover works well if it’s a manual flush toilet because then you just turn around and stomp on the handle with your foot and go about your day. But if it’s an automatic flusher, the Hover can cause the system to flush too soon, forcing you to have to wave your hand around in front of the sensor (or in case of an emergency push the little black rubber button by the sensor, totally defeating hands-free flushing) The Hover can also be to blame for the automatic toilet not flushing at all, even after you’re done, again causing the frantic hand waving.

Once you’ve finished what you came to do, you have to operate the sinks. Soap dispensers and sinks are unpredictable. Yesterday I pushed the soap dispenser vigorously, thinking that a pink gel would slowly ooze downward from the nozzle but instead I was assaulted by a soapy foam flying across the entire expanse of bathroom and splattering the baby changing station and the wall on which it was attached, as well as leaving me spotted with watered down bubbles.

I like the faucets that turn on like the ones I have at home. I don’t mind touching the handle because when I get out of the restroom, I’m going to reach into my rucksack and use hand sanitizer anyway (maybe even on my feet) I don’t like the ones that you push down and get a teaspoon full of water or the ones that have a motion sensor. Motion sensor faucets make you do a little hand dance underneath the spigot to find the sensor. Then it gives you about three and a half seconds of water before it automatically shuts off and you have to hand jive again. No matter which faucet it is, out of frustration, I give up and head to the drying station, leaving the sticky soap in the little webby bits of flesh between my fingers.

Drying my hands doesn’t pose too many problems. I like the idea of the hot air dryer but in reality I’m not patient enough to use it so I end up drying my sopping hands on the bottom of my t-shirt as I exit, making it look like I had an incident in the stall. The automated paper towel dispensers force me to repeatedly hand jive again because I cannot possibly dry my hands on the one inch piece of brown butcher paper that it spurts out with each dance.  The old-fashioned lever ones leave me saying “What’s the point of washing my hands if I’m touching a lever that a billion other nasty hands have touched?” No matter how I wash or dry my hands, I will sanitize immediately upon exit.

I don’t want to give the wrong impression that I am a germaphobe who skitters through life in a perfect little plastic bubble. These perceptions don’t always hinder my life,  I just think that sometimes there are things that we all think but no one ever talks about and I want to tear down that wall.

 I just want to give you your Oprah A-ha moment wherein you don’t feel alone. Consider these my volunteer public service hours. Unless I somehow get arrested, then I’ll try to use them in a plea bargain so that I don’t have to pick up trash along side of the interstate.

 

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Jenn’s Sage Advice

Jenn’s Sage Advice

I would somehow like to leave my mark on this world and have been pondering that very thought lately. Oh sure, I could pee on every patch of grass that I get near, or I could rub my body on your leg as I walk by (I won’t. It’s considered sexual harassment…learned that the hard way) but I wanted to make a bigger impact on my little world. . What I really want to do is give you, the reader, a gift. Something you can take with you and always use, maybe some words of wisdom. Out of the goodness of my heart and the restlessness of my head. All of the great thinkers: Mark Twain, Benjamin Franklin, Oprah, all of these people left their mark with their words and their weight problems. I want to leave you all with the same, something to marinate on for a while. My hope, nay, dare I say it? My dream, is that one of these little tidbits will change your life for the better, or at least help you balance your checkbook. I’m pretty sure it won’t help with the checkbook though… In fact if you’re reading this instead of balancing your checkbook then I’ve actually hindered you from doing that and now I will feel responsible if you overdraw. Weight of the world, people, weight of the world.

 Anyway, I have compiled a little list to help you on your way to a better you.I hope you enjoy it.

My Wisdom

  • Today’s Beanie Baby collectors are tomorrow’s people who dress a concrete goose in a raincoat on their front porch.
  • Eye boogars are just nature’s way of telling us are not as cool as we think we are.
  • You can lead a sorority girl from the sorority house but chances are she won’t find her way back.
  • I can write haiku. Haiku doesn’t have to rhyme. It’s five seven five.
  • That last piece of wisdom was written in haiku form. Really makes you think doesn’t it? No? Ok.
  • You can put a tuxedo on a penguin but he’ll only feel overdressed.
  • You can get hot cheese stuck to the roof of your mouth but that won’t get you a handicapped parking space.
  • You can always wing it but leave flippering it to the dolphins.
  • A bird in hand will almost always poop on you.
  • A penny saved is still just 1/50 of what you need to buy a Superball.
  • Never date someone with a U-haul permanently attached to their Pinto.
  • Keeping your dignity means never going on reality TV.
  • There’s a story behind every shoe found along the highway.
  • Don’t let sleeping dogs lie. Make them tell you the truth.
  • This generation’s “Dancing with the Stars” is last generation’s “Circus of the Stars.”
  • You’ve got to know when to hold ’em know when to fold ’em and if you’re making an origami swan, you have to know HOW to fold ’em.
  • If you can’t stand the heat, get your dog fixed.
  • Dying will take years off of your life.
 
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Posted by on July 28, 2011 in Random

 

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