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Live from the Oscars

Live from the Oscars

I watch the awards shows. But not because I think that actors and musicians are really lacking the recognition they deserve. I think we can all agree that the last people on earth that needs an ego boost is Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt. I watch for the same reason that I, almost every season, tune in for the season finale of The Apprentice even though I haven’t been watching it the rest of the year: it’s LIVE. This means that anything can happen. Someone may have a very public meltdown. The censors may not bleep someone in time. Or worst case scenario, Janet Jackson might flash her boob.

I watched the Oscars last night. And for the record I was wearing a lovely off the shoulder strapless emerald gown made by Carolina Herrera. It was amazing. It made me look very fit, made me a stunning five foot nine inches tall and gave me the right curves in all the right places. Unfortunately, the paparazzi were not aware of my Oscar viewing party (And by party, I mean party of one, because none of my friends will sit through three and a half hours of unwitty banter on the possibility of hearing a unbleeped cussword.) so there are no pictures documenting how fabulous I really looked so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Instead of flooding Facebook with eighteen hundred status updates of my every thought, I decided to jot down my thoughts, however random they may be, and share them in a blog. If you watched the Oscars, you’ll understand. If you didn’t, then I have condensed the highlights (as they appeared in my mind) into a sort of laundry list for you to peruse, thereby saving you those three and a half hours. Don’t ask me to do the same for you with Titanic in 3-D. I was barely able to sit through that the first time. So here are my thoughts, in the order that they came to me.

Morgan Freeman opening the Oscars by standing on the stage and welcoming us to the 84th Annual Academy Awards? What was that? Was that necessary? It felt weird. I thought I sat on my remote and accidentally flipped to Ken Burn’s Civil War on PBS.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s hair. Nix that. Gwyneth Paltrow. You could hand her any book, any essay, anything written by any number of geniuses, ask her to read aloud from it, and she will still come off sounding unintelligent.

Billy Crystal looks more and more like an old woman every year. I kept wanting to tie a scarf around his head, put him in a tattered coat, fingerless gloves and unlaced boots and send him out into the streets to beg for bread.

Martin Scorcese (DO A SHOT!) looks like that little old man in some of the Pixar short films. It’s the dark eyebrows but I can just picture him repairing a toy.

Brian Grazer has weird hair. It sticks up all over the place and you can tell he did it on purpose. I know we had the messy look but was his style ever actually popular?

The McDonald’s commercial where the two girls are sitting there eating fries and they see a cute boy and one of the girls starts doing the “he loves me, he loves me not” schtick? Not realistic at all. They show the girl’s hand reaching for a fry from the box and the box is not all spotted and stained with grease. It’s perfectly dry and stain free. Yeah right.

Did they really just show a scene from Twilight in the “Oscar’s best movie moments” montage? Seriously? Twilight at the Oscars? That’s like Ryan Seacrest announcing that he’s getting married….TO A WOMAN.

Why can’t Jennifer Lopez show up for just one awards show, just one, where she doesn’t have her dress cut so low? Those puppies don’t need to breathe that much.

Great. A video clip of Reese Witherspoon talking about her all time favorite movie (Overboard. OVERBOARD? YOU HAVE A BAZILLION CLASSICS TO CHOOSE FROM AND YOU ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD THAT YOUR ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIE IS OVERBOARD????) Now I will be thinking about her weird chin all night.

Sandra Bullock presenting for best foreign film, while speaking Chinese with a German accent. And the audience applauded. Weird, weird, weird.

Best part of the entire night: The Cast of the Christopher Guest movies doing the focus group spoof. Is it going to have flying monkeys? LOVED IT.

Some of the commercials from the Oscars were way better than the Superbowl commercials. I absolutely loved the Ellen Degeneres/JC Penney commercials. They were hilarious! And effective, because I was able to tell you what company they were for, which is a lot more than I can say about some of the Superbowl ads. That Motley Crue, pixie dust commercial? What was that for?

LOVED the Cirque de Soleil performance. I can’t imagine how many aches and pains those people will have when they hit forty.

Christopher Plummer, 82, wins an Oscar, making him the oldest person ever to win one? Yay! More Edelweiss!

Angelina Jolie. She gets on the stage in a Jessica Rabbit-like gown and immediately throws her right leg out to the side to show off how high her dress is cut. Who does that? That cried “I’m desperate to prove I’m still sexy. Please cheer for me and my varicose vein-free right leg.”

I’d rather not win an Oscar than to win one and have to walk from the back of the auditorium all the way down to the stage to get it. I would feel like they really didn’t think I deserved it but got outnumbered by the votes or that they thought I was just a flash in the pan who would never make it back here again. Oscar speech:  “Thanks Academy…for not really believing in me!”

(This is un-Oscar related but happened so I feel like I have to include it in the timeline of thoughts) I hate it when I’m clipping my toenails and one errant toenail flies off somewhere and then no matter how hard I try to find it, I can’t. Every time I go near the spot where the clipping occurred I will always be looking for that toenail, knowing that it’s still around.

I do not like Oprah. I did however, like the Jimmy Kimmel “Say Anything” promo with her. If only it hadn’t had Oprah in it…

In Memoriam: I’m just glad that Jennifer Hudson didn’t offer her services for this tribute.

Ashley Judd is going to be in a TV series? What went wrong in that career? Ashley, you’re going the wrong way! It’s television, THEN movies! Follow the Clooney model!

Who looked at Ed Norton and thought “This guy would make a great leading man.” He looks like the guy at Wal-mart whose sole job is to make keys.

Why does pot make your eyes puffy? (Please note that I was not smoking pot. Read next note to understand my train of thought.)

Billy Crystal’s eyes seem to be more open as the night goes on. I wonder if he was high when the show started and is now sobering up a bit. Because he was all squinty in the beginning but now I can see pupils.

How can anyone NOT like George Clooney?

Why do people think that Brad Pitt is a good actor? Sure, he was cute at one time. But every role is just Brad Pitt playing Brad Pitt.

And finally, SO EXCITED that Meryl Streep finally won again! Seventeen nominations and only two wins?

That? That right there? That proves that life is not fair.

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Posted by on February 27, 2012 in Bad TV is the Best TV

 

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Thankful

Thankful

It’s funny how we all become “thankful” this time of year, as opposed to being grateful for who and what we have year round.  I know that on every November morning, I can expect to find several status updates that start “Today I am thankful for….” Since we are nearing the end of this month and I have yet to be publicly thankful, I decided to, instead of dragging out my thankfulness for a full month, I would just smoosh it all up into one day and get it over with so that I can continue with my regularly scheduled feelings of entitlement, greed and self-centeredness.

Day 1:  I am thankful for Halloween candy sales, wherein I can purchase massive amounts of candy for fifty to seventy percent off.

Day 2:  I am thankful that I know how to use the timer on my camera so that I don’t have to take pictures with the camera held at arm’s length when I think I’m having a good hair day or am looking particularly sexy

Day 3:  I am thankful when I am in line behind someone in a store or at the library and they do not smell like stale bowling alleys.

Day 4: I am thankful that when I get out of the shower the first thing I see is a little rubber ducky rug. No, I am not five. I am…more than five.

Day 5:  I am thankful that I did not light a match immediately after using hand sanitizer.

Day 6: I am thankful that I haven’t reached that point of old ladyhood where my bright red lipstick bleeds into the creases around my mouth.

Day 7: I am thankful that I do not do heroin.  I wish my neighbors felt the same way.

Day 8:  I am thankful that I never lost a mylar balloon in a tree in my front yard because then I would have had to re-live that tragedy every day because they tend to withstand the elements for quite a while.

Day 9:  I am thankful for the smiley-winky face that is available for my use in text messages and facebook comments. It allows me to continue on my path to ultimate snarkdom.

Day 10: I am thankful that my dog does not like to eat the poop of any animal.

Day 11:  I am thankful for White Castle as an alternative to harsh laxatives.

Day 12: I am thankful that I am sometimes able to make sure someone is ok when they fall down before I begin laughing at them.

Day 13:  I am thankful that none of my friends have bumper stickers on their car because if they did they would not be my friend.

Day 14: I am thankful that I can perform a perfect spit take.

Day 15: I am thankful that my friends do not travel to the bathroom in herds.  I am not comfortable talking to anyone while they’re pooping.

Day 16: I am thankful that a rat has never crawled into my laundry basket in the basement and made its way into my living quarters.

Day 17:  I am thankful for marshmallow fluff. 

Day 18: I am thankful for Bob Ross on lazy afternoons.  Bob Ross paints naps.

Day 19: I am thankful that I have never been caught squishing my neighbor’s grass between my toes when I walk Yadi on the next street over because I’m not sure how I would explain my behavior.

Day 20: I am thankful that sometimes I can keep a straight face when someone says “duty.”

Day 21: I am thankful that the floor beneath my shower has not yet rotted enough for me to end up naked in a pile of rubble in my basement. Key word: YET.

Day 22: I am thankful for penguins. They always make me laugh when they walk because they look like they’re trying so hard to not slip and fall.

Day 23:  I am thankful that when I say something that I think is funny and no one laughs, I do not feel the need to repeat it to try to get the laugh.

Day 24: I am thankful that when I say something that I think is funny and no one laughs, I do not feel the need to repeat it to try to get the laugh.

Day 25: I am thankful that you just got that joke and laughed so that I don’t have to repeat it again.

Day 26; I am thankful that my neighbors with windchimes moved. Or had their windchimes destroyed.

Day 27: I am thankful that my hand is small enough to fit into a Pringles can fairly easily.

Day 28: I am thankful that I was able to get Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center’s commercial jingle out of my head…until now. Dang it.  (singing) Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center…Don’t suffer in silence.

Day 29: I am thankful that I never felt the urge to eat Play-Doh as a kid.

Day 30:  I am thankful that we are only a few months away from spring training.

AMEN!

 
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Posted by on November 21, 2011 in Random

 

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Facebook-The Beast

Facebook-The Beast

Isn’t it amazing how we throw the word “friend” around now that we have this bizarre creature named Facebook?  Ten years ago if I had said we were “friends”  some of you would have been appalled that I dare call myself your friend. But in this technologically advanced, socially declining age, we are all friends.

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook; not like the one that I have with the musical Cats. With Cats, I get really excited every time I hear that it’s being performed in St. Louis and I get my double disc album out and prance around my living room while pretending to be the Rum Tum Tuggress (female Tugger of course) and singing and dancing. And then I go to the show and “Memory” starts and I’m like, “Dang it. I HATE this show!” Every time. It’s as if when it comes to Cats I have a short-term memory. I call this my Cats Conundrum.

But my love/hate for Facebook goes deeper.  I love that I am in contact with my childhood friends from Pennsylvania, or that I can look at pictures of my Centralia High School classmates’ kids. Or that I can read about the funny things that happen to you during the day.  My favorites are the snarky status updates from my most clever friends. These things I enjoy.

Facebook allows us to be social without being social. I can sit here and have a conversation with you while I’m in my underwear. I don’t  (usually). But I could. And you would never know.  It allows us to be “friends” with people that we may have been in a geometry class with but never actually spoke to. It allows us to catch up with people without actually having to interact with them. It’s like being a legal non-invasive stalker.

I can see pictures of your vacation without you having to tell me about the neat way that the Disney staff left the towels on your bed, or to have to hear about how low you could go with your limbo. Because as fascinating as these experiences were to you, I’d just rather see the pictures without hearing you tell about how neat it was that the chocolate waffles on the buffet were shaped like spades, diamonds, hearts and clubs.

Facebook allows me to be a voyeur in the privacy of my own home and without feeling dirty about it.

But it’s also a double-edged sword, because for everything I love to hear about on Facebook, there are ten things I don’t want to hear about, or think are ridiculous or find as boring as dryer lint. Here is my not-all-inclusive list of things I dislike or am bored with on Facebook:

  • People who say things that aren’t appropriate. I think the first rule of Facebook is that you should pretend that we (your “friends”) are all at a dinner party together. If you haven’t seen them in seventeen years I’m pretty sure they don’t want to hear about where you pooped.
  • I feel pressured to say “Happy Birthday” to everyone that was ever born. I feel like if I don’t say it, then you will think I don’t care. Yay! You managed to NOT DIE for another year! Way to go! Have some cake!
  • When someone uses their wall to get sympathy.
  • When someone has a loved one pass away and they say “Heaven got another angel today” Really? You really think it works that way? You really believe that God needed your Great Aunt Mamie, who let’s face it, wasn’t all that pleasant to be around while she was down here? You think that’s who He chose to be an angel?
  • When people have an anniversary they say “11 years ago today I married my best friend, Lover( please don’t take me into your bedroom) and the man/woman I want to spend the rest of my life with” When what they should really say is “11 years ago today I settled for my husband/wife and while some of the time he/she is a pain in the butt, overall, I do not regret my actions and I feel that we will make great companions when the sex is gone.”
  • When people say about their kids’ birthday: “6 years ago today, I met the most amazing little person who changed my life! Happy birthday Jr!” when they should really say “6 years ago today I was in a hospital spread eagle trying to eject a living breathing, peeing, pooping basketball out of my body. It took 15 straight hours and my husband was in the waiting room watching the World Series and for that I will always be passive aggressively angry with him. Happy Birthday Jr!”
  • When people complain about it being Monday or not Friday or wish me a “Happy Hump Day” Saying “Happy Hump Day” is the verbal equivalent of giving someone a black “Over the Hill” cane with a side mirror on it; it was never funny.
  • When people complain about the obvious: heat, snow, rain. This is as deep as your river runs?
  • When people put entire conversations that they had with their kids that they think are unique. Some are really funny and I appreciate them.  But guess what? Every little kid calls animals “aminals” and spaghetti “pasghetti”   Originality is what is funny.
  • When people rant about politics on there but then if you disagree with them they either defriend you or get nasty with you. I’m sorry…when did we lose that whole free speech thing?
  • When people who are my age and I haven’t seen since high school still act like they did when I knew them. And still make references to the music of that day-and not because they’re remembering but because they’re stuck in that time.  Also, we are in our late thirties, it’s no longer cool to be  proud of how drunk you were last night.
  • People who try to guilt me into re-posting something to show support for something. Seriously, if you want to show support, throw some money towards the cause instead of posting something that only your FRIENDS can see.
  • People who use Facebook to attack former boyfriends/girlfriends. We are not in junior high anymore. Please take up your issues with your ex, not with the Facebook community.

Facebook has changed our culture irreversibly.  It allows us to re-connect and keep in touch with friends that we might not have been able to find. For me, it is fodder for some of my funnier thoughts. But I think in reality, Facebook needs a catchy phrase, maybe some truth in advertising. So I suggest this:

“Facebook: By the time you realize you know an idiot, it’s too late. You’re in too deep to get out without hurting someone’s feelings.”

Of course, if you’re reading this and you’re a friend of mine on Facebook, I’m obviously not talking about you…

 
3 Comments

Posted by on September 21, 2011 in Easily Annoyed?, Random

 

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