“There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.–Thomas Aquinas
I take my friendships very seriously. I am sure that I am guilty of setting my expectations probably way to high for my friends but I have a credo of friendship that I live by and here it is:
I will never ask my friends to do something that I would not do myself.
In keeping with that, I realized that I owed it to Romy, as my best friend, to clearly lay out the expectations I have of her and of myself in this friendship. So without further ado, here is the
Declaration of Friendependence.
I, Jenn Murphy, being of semi-sound mind do hereby, on this twenty ninth day of the month of April of the year two thousand and twelve do hereby and henceforth, plan to abide by the following guidelines as set forth in this very official sounding but really just full of big legalish words that would more than likely allow me to kick butt in a game of Scrabble.
1.1. I will always be on time to meet you wherever we decide to meet. More likely, because of my paranoia and constant fear of running late because of someone else’s moronic driving, I will be at least thirty minutes late to any event.
1.2. I fully expect that you will be a minimum of ten minutes late to nearly every event and even if your husband Duke isn’t with you, I will overlook the fact that you blame your lateness on him.
1.3. Due to your consistent lateness, I will always tell you that we need to meet earlier than we actually do. Please expect that this time will range anywhere from five to twenty minutes early, so as to keep you from guessing what time you actually have to be there. This way, you’ll be on time and I will not be irritated. Win win.
1.1 Going forth from this point, I will try to limit the amount of embarrassment I bring to you publicly. I expect you to do the same.
1.2. At certain events, please expect that I will be wearing a Wonder Woman cape and or tube socks as wristbands. Maybe even at the same time. Don’t ask questions, just go with it.
1.3. Fanny packs are not allowed at any events that we go to. Just hand me your personal effects and I’ll throw them in my journey bag.
1.4. If either party is discovered by the other party to have a boog, the second part will discreetly let the first party know of the boog’s presence. And this shall be done quietly, without yelling, “hey you’ve got a boogar hanging out of your nose!” Perhaps a simple upward tilt of the head with widened eyes while quietly intaking a little air would be appropriate.
1.5. If one party asks the other party if a particular item of clothing makes them look fat, the questioned party must fight very hard to keep from retorting, Tommy Boy style, “NO YOUR FACE DOES.”
Article 3: Aging
1.1. Eventually we will both be senile. You, being older, will probably hit this milestone first. I promise to not get irritated with you when I have to answer the same question fourteen times in a span of twelve minutes.
1.2. I will come visit you in the home. Should I end up in one first (by some freak accident) you are expected to do the same.
1.3. I will gladly feed you your pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving, just like Hoke in Driving Miss Daisy.
1.4. Along those same lines, I will drive you to the Piggly Wiggly but you have to sit in the front seat because I am not your chauffeur.
1.5. I will not change your diapers. That’s why you have kids so that one day they might return the favor.
1.6. I will tell you where you left your false teeth (in your mouth) after about a half an hour of not telling you.
1.7. Both parties must alert their families BEFORE they are too senile to express their wishes, that they wish to be placed in the same home.
1.8. In the event that I perish before you do (unlikely since you’re like a decade older than me) please have my ashes scattered in two places: Art Hill in Forest Park and Busch Stadium. And try not to get arrested dumping the remains on the warning track of the stadium.
Article 4: General Articles of Friendship
1.1. In the event that we are engaged in a fit of laughter that is making our stomachs hurt so bad, and the first party tells the other party to stop because they are going to throw up, the second party is not required to do so and in fact, may take this as encouragement to try even harder to get the first party to throw up. This also applies when there is the threat of liquid coming out of nostrils due to uncontrollable laughter.
1.2. If both parties are shopping and the first party squats down to peruse items that are on the ground, the second party can not be held responsible for giving in to the urge to push the first party down.
1.3. Only in the case of extreme emergency will either party be expected to share their Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers with the other party. This sharing will ONLY occur once the top layer of wax has been scraped off before and after usage.
1.4. The above is also valid for the sharing of beverages. If party one has a beverage and party two does not and is parched, party one may share her beverage with party two but not through straw usage. Party two must take the lid off of the beverage and sip carefully so as to avoid any backwash and must then replace the lid. At no time should party two use party one’s straw.
1.5. If both parties have agreed to view a movie together, each party must abstain from watching the movie without the other.
1.6. While shopping at the Goodwill By the Pound store, party one must fully expect party two to throw a pair of underwear in her general direction at least once during the outing. Party two agrees to aim only for the arms of party one.
1.7. Both parties must agree to capture a picture of any plumber’s butt that they encounter when not together and send it to the other party. If the parties are together, a funny photo must be taken of one party pointing to the offending plumber’s butt.
1.8. As the need arises, either party may place addendums to this declaration within reason and as agreed upon by both parties. In the event of a disagreement on addendums, Jenn Murphy will make the final decision.
1.9. Neither party will ever sing Celine Dion songs in each other’s presence.
1.10 Party one reserves the right to, at any time and on any occasion, bring up the fact that an elderly woman in our church mistook party one for party two’s daughter….and giggle.
1.11. I promise to always have your back and tell you the truth (even if this means just hesitating too long when you ask me a question) and let you know if you have a piece of corn on your face when we are in a restaurant.
Please note that these are the original articles of the Declaration of Friendependence. I, Jenn Murphy, have given Romy the ability and authority to make addendums to these original articles in case I have forgotten or overlooked any important points. However, if she writes something that I disagree with or in no way can follow through on, I hereby reserve the right to change the addendum at my whim.