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Thankful

Thankful

It’s funny how we all become “thankful” this time of year, as opposed to being grateful for who and what we have year round.  I know that on every November morning, I can expect to find several status updates that start “Today I am thankful for….” Since we are nearing the end of this month and I have yet to be publicly thankful, I decided to, instead of dragging out my thankfulness for a full month, I would just smoosh it all up into one day and get it over with so that I can continue with my regularly scheduled feelings of entitlement, greed and self-centeredness.

Day 1:  I am thankful for Halloween candy sales, wherein I can purchase massive amounts of candy for fifty to seventy percent off.

Day 2:  I am thankful that I know how to use the timer on my camera so that I don’t have to take pictures with the camera held at arm’s length when I think I’m having a good hair day or am looking particularly sexy

Day 3:  I am thankful when I am in line behind someone in a store or at the library and they do not smell like stale bowling alleys.

Day 4: I am thankful that when I get out of the shower the first thing I see is a little rubber ducky rug. No, I am not five. I am…more than five.

Day 5:  I am thankful that I did not light a match immediately after using hand sanitizer.

Day 6: I am thankful that I haven’t reached that point of old ladyhood where my bright red lipstick bleeds into the creases around my mouth.

Day 7: I am thankful that I do not do heroin.  I wish my neighbors felt the same way.

Day 8:  I am thankful that I never lost a mylar balloon in a tree in my front yard because then I would have had to re-live that tragedy every day because they tend to withstand the elements for quite a while.

Day 9:  I am thankful for the smiley-winky face that is available for my use in text messages and facebook comments. It allows me to continue on my path to ultimate snarkdom.

Day 10: I am thankful that my dog does not like to eat the poop of any animal.

Day 11:  I am thankful for White Castle as an alternative to harsh laxatives.

Day 12: I am thankful that I am sometimes able to make sure someone is ok when they fall down before I begin laughing at them.

Day 13:  I am thankful that none of my friends have bumper stickers on their car because if they did they would not be my friend.

Day 14: I am thankful that I can perform a perfect spit take.

Day 15: I am thankful that my friends do not travel to the bathroom in herds.  I am not comfortable talking to anyone while they’re pooping.

Day 16: I am thankful that a rat has never crawled into my laundry basket in the basement and made its way into my living quarters.

Day 17:  I am thankful for marshmallow fluff. 

Day 18: I am thankful for Bob Ross on lazy afternoons.  Bob Ross paints naps.

Day 19: I am thankful that I have never been caught squishing my neighbor’s grass between my toes when I walk Yadi on the next street over because I’m not sure how I would explain my behavior.

Day 20: I am thankful that sometimes I can keep a straight face when someone says “duty.”

Day 21: I am thankful that the floor beneath my shower has not yet rotted enough for me to end up naked in a pile of rubble in my basement. Key word: YET.

Day 22: I am thankful for penguins. They always make me laugh when they walk because they look like they’re trying so hard to not slip and fall.

Day 23:  I am thankful that when I say something that I think is funny and no one laughs, I do not feel the need to repeat it to try to get the laugh.

Day 24: I am thankful that when I say something that I think is funny and no one laughs, I do not feel the need to repeat it to try to get the laugh.

Day 25: I am thankful that you just got that joke and laughed so that I don’t have to repeat it again.

Day 26; I am thankful that my neighbors with windchimes moved. Or had their windchimes destroyed.

Day 27: I am thankful that my hand is small enough to fit into a Pringles can fairly easily.

Day 28: I am thankful that I was able to get Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center’s commercial jingle out of my head…until now. Dang it.  (singing) Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center…Don’t suffer in silence.

Day 29: I am thankful that I never felt the urge to eat Play-Doh as a kid.

Day 30:  I am thankful that we are only a few months away from spring training.

AMEN!

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Posted by on November 21, 2011 in Random

 

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Writer’s block

Writer’s block

Well it happened. You never want to think it’ll happen to you but then it does and you are blindsided. I am experiencing writer’s block. I have so many little ideas, bits of funny on which to base a blog but then I sit down to write or I walk around my house cleaning (which is when I sometimes get some good ideas) and the ideas don’t gel into something that I feel is blog worthy. Perhaps it is the change in the weather, the damp and dreariness of the days. Days when I come home with wet socks because I took Yadi for a walk wearing my crocs because I was too lazy to tie tennis shoes. Perhaps it is because I have not taken a day to just go and daydream. Overall I just feel blah. And nothing funny comes from blah.

Writer’s block is the scariest feeling for a writer. I’m always afraid I’m going to run out of funny things to write or like lately, I feel like my thoughts are not necessarily entertaining enough to share. It’s one of the  

Maybe I need to get out more. Get around people. But that’s really a double-edged sword for me because while I gain a lot of material for blogs from the idiocy of others, it also comes at a hefty price. I have to be around others. So this means going out in public and more than likely being annoyed by everyone around me.

My main annoyance comes from the fact that most people lack self-awareness. They trudge along through their little worlds unaware that they are just getting in my way. People walk around living in their heads. (I too, am guilty of this but with at least enough self-awareness that I’m doing it) Take for instance a trip to the grocery store. I turn my wobbly wheeled cart (because such is my life. I always get the wobbly wheeled cart. It’s my main reason for not just giving up and becoming homeless)  down the peanut butter aisle and I am suddenly stopped behind a woman who has decided to leave her cart in the middle of the aisle and read every label on every jar of peanut butter. I have to say excuse me four times before she looks up and realizes that she’s in the way. Am I the only one who realizes that a grocery aisle is just like a two lane road? You stay on your side, I stay on mine? How hard is that?

Another favorite is when I’m at the zoo or another crowded public venue and someone stops to look at an animal or a piece of art. They just stop where they are, as if moving out of everyone else’s way never crossed their mind. No consideration for anyone else. Just stop where you are and stand there gawking at the bears.

But my all time favorite encounter is when I’m driving down a side street and the car in front of me decides to stop to talk to someone on the sidewalk. Hello? I am behind you and I want to keep going. Pull over and talk to your friend. Don’t make me wait while you discuss where you’re going to meet later.

What do all of these experiences have in common? People get in my way. Which is why I hate going out in public. Which is why I don’t have anything to write about right now.

And yet by writing about not having anything to write about, I have written. Take that, writer’s block!

 
2 Comments

Posted by on October 19, 2011 in Random

 

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They

They

Often I find something (or someone) poorly designed (It’s a shame I can’t do anything about it when it’s a person) and I find myself thinking, “Why don’t they do that differently?” or “Why don’t they make that better?” or in the case of someone, “Why don’t they GO AWAY?” And since I have the same exact thought every time I encounter the item or issue, or person, I decided to share my thoughts to see if anyone else had these same feelings, just to make myself feel a little more normal.

Why don’t they make an EZ Bake Oven for adults? Sometimes I want cake but not a WHOLE cake. I usually end up buying one of those microwaveable ones and they’re kind of nasty.

Why do they bother putting a warning on Q-Tips? Everyone shoves them as far down their ear canal as they will go. It’s their main use, I bet.

Why do they use the same echo-y voice for monster truck, motocross and professional wrestling commercials? Is that echo-y voice to hillbillies what the color red is to hummingbirds?  Do they hear that voice and come running slack-jawed and drooling to see where they can watch cars or people smash each other up?

Why do they make all Christmas extension cords green? Am I supposed to be fooled into thinking that the tree has a long leafless vine sprouting in its branches? Are they fooling anyone?

Why does Urban Outfitters use the weirdest pictures in their catalogs? Are they aiming at the heroin-addicted, bath salt snorting crowd? Because it seems like maybe they are.

Why to they put gold water carafes in every court room? Does magic judicial water only come in golden containers?

Why do they always have cracked or smeared makeup in magazine spreads about new colors or fashions? How is that more appealing? Because if I open up my makeup and it is cracked or smeared I am not happy about it.

Why do they always make good guys in movies take on thirteen bad guys? I don’t remember ever seeing one guy take on that many people and it have a happy ending for him. Also, I rarely see fights that are that well choreographed. 

Why do they call them “Once A Day” vitamins and then tell me to take two? How can your brand name literally be “Once A Day” .

Why do people buy Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World? I’ve never seen anyone wear them ever again. Outside of their vacation photos.

Why do they make biscuit cans so pressurized? Tell me your heart doesn’t jump a little when you pop open a can because it startles you just a little bit.

Why do some tampon companies put affirmations on their wrappers? Why do I need someone cheering me on at that very moment? “Go out there and show them what you’ve got!” Indeed.

Why do people always buy shirts from a vacation destination? Where will you ever want to be seen in a “Reno NV” shirt again?

Why do people write chapter upon chapter about their ancestors in their biographies? No one cares when your grandmother immigrated, Olympia Dukakis. No one.

Why do they make wind chimes? They just annoy everyone within earshot.

Why don’t they make Pringle cans bigger? I feel like a monkey reaching through a cage for a banana when I try to pull my fist full of chips out. It’s a dilemma because I want the chips but my hand is stuck and then like said monkey, I panic a bit. And I have small hands. I can’t imagine how hard this is for a normal-sized human.

Why don’t they make hand soap dispenser tubes a little bit longer? You can’t get any soap out when there is just a few drops left. Wasteful.

Why do they make those cheese and sausage gift packs around Christmas? Who gives that as a gift? Best thing about them: the three strawberry hard candies that are used as decoration.

Why do they give open book tests? To prove that kids know how to plagiarise an answer straight from the pages?

Why are they called sanitary pads? It doesn’t seem sanitary to me to sit in that for any amount of time.

Also, why do they always blame everything on one collective “they” Who are they? And if you find them, please hand them this list of questions.

Because I want answers. And only THEY have them.

 
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Posted by on October 14, 2011 in Random

 

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The Titanic Tooth

The Titanic Tooth

Tuesday night I was lying in bed eating a “fun size” bag of peanut M&Ms. First of all, what’s so fun about eight tiny pieces of candy? A fun size portion should contain about three pounds. There is nothing fun about eight M&Ms in a cute little bag. More candy equals more fun. True story.

So I was lying in bed reading and eating my nightly chocolate ration when I bit down and crunched into something very hard. Hmmm. Must be a burnt peanut, an M&M that weaseled it’s way through quality control and into my fun size packet. No worries, work it over with my teeth a little more and I’m sure it’ll succumb to a happy peanut paste existence. CRUNCH. Wow, this nut’s not giving up. A tough nut to crack, if you will. You know what? Maybe it’s not a nut. Maybe it’s a thicker part of the thin candy shell that makes them melt in my mouth and not in my hand. CRUNCH. Nope. That’s not right. I pushed the piece to the front of my mouth with my tongue and removed it like it was a stray dog hair. I looked down at it and realized that this wasn’t a peanut or a piece of the thin candy shell. Uh-oh.

I hesitantly rolled my tongue around my mouth, flicking it over each tooth just to make sure everything was where it should be. Except that it wasn’t. Near the very back of my mouth, my tongue immediately noticed a difference. The next to last tooth on the bottom right side now had a gaping hole in the side. I pushed my tongue as far as it would go into the hole. Compared to the piece of what I now knew to be tooth, the hole was huge. This could only mean one thing.

I ate part of my tooth. It must have gotten mixed in with the thin candy shell and I didn’t even know it.

This was definitely not the highlight of my day because it carried with it several implications: One, I wasn’t going to get to finish the rest of my M&Ms. And it would drive me nuts (pun intended) to know that there were two M&Ms left hanging out in the tiny bag.  Two, I was going to have to make a dreaded emergency trip to the dentist as soon as possible because I definitely don’t want to risk getting an infection in the tooth, forcing me to have another root canal. Three, until I could make the cringe-inducing trip I was probably going to be on a liquid diet, which meant Slim Fast shakes for every meal. And fourth, and most alarming, I JUST ATE PART OF MY SKELETAL SYSTEM.

It’s odd how things that probably wouldn’t frighten you during the day become major catastrophes under the dark of night. A person could easily say , “Oh well. I’ll call the dentist tomorrow and get it fixed in the afternoon and be back in fighting shape by nightfall.” and go back to reading her book. I am not that person. And that is not how my mind works. Especially not at night. After the full realization that I JUST ATE PART OF MY OWN HEAD sunk in, I wondered how I had eaten something like that and not even known it. This just corroborates my recent thoughts that I definitely need to chew my food better. (I realized this when I threw up a hot dog and looked at the size of the pieces laying in the parking lot and my first thought was “I could totally put those pieces back together to form a hot dog puzzle.)

So now my tooth was on a journey that could not be stopped. I’m no doctor so I don’t know the entire medical process of where it was going but I did know where it would eventually end up. And here’s how I am concerned that the journey might go:

I swallowed part of my skeleton. It will journey down to my stomach where it will sway gently among the English toffee cappuccino I had on the way to my appointment this morning, colliding with the white cheddar popcorn that I had during my Mary Higgins Clark movie this afternoon. (It’s hard to focus on a movie while chewing on one side of your mouth with your head turned sideways so that no stray popcorn pieces goes careening over into the cavernous hole.) Eventually it will travel down through my intestines and out of my body among some poop. This is where my concern kicks in. The tooth is all jaggedy. I can tell that by the size and shape of the gaping hole it left behind. This means that it will surely rock back and forth in the stomach juices, threatening to puncture my stomach lining, sending white cheddar popcorn bits and cappuccino onto my organs via my torn stomach. If, by some lucky twist of fate, the tooth doesn’t puncture my stomach and escape into my vital organs, it will travel down through my intestines in a mix of digested stuff that will at some point, if it hasn’t already, turn into poo. (Again, I don’t know the medical process. I don’t even want to know. The less I know about the way my body functions, the less likely I am to faint.)

I texted my fears to my friend Romy, who tends to be the voice of reason when I board my crazy train.

Me: I’m scared to eat. I’m afeared (Yes I use the word afeared.) I’ll eat part of my tooth. (which I had already done.) Literally I could digest part of my skeletal system…

Romy: Then you’ll just poop it out. No problem! (Because it’s normal to poop out part of your skeleton.)

Me: I’ve given this some thought: what if it’s jaggedy and tears a whole in my intestines and poop leaks all over my body? I could die.

Romy: It won’t. It will be so covered with thick gunk that it will just glide through.

Me: I’m an idiot. A hole. (Bet you thought I wouldn’t catch that.)

Me: You can’t guarantee that. It could settle on the outer fringe of my poo and tear me open like the titanic.

Romy: Nope. (Very reassuring. I think this is when she realized that the crazy train had already left the station and the only thing she could do was ride along. Truth be told she was probably checking between her toes for lint at this point. )

Me: You are not a doctor. I know things.

Romy: I know more than you. (This is debatable. But I think she was throwing stuff on the wall to see what would stick and if she could get me on her side, she would win and the crazy train could be stopped before it turned into a wreck.)

Me: Not about me and the way my body works.

Romy: Your poop isn’t different than anybody else’s! I’ve been pooping for 48 years…How about you? (Ah the age card. Normally I play the age card about her being so old and me still being young. Reverse Ageism, well-played, Romy.)

Me: You got me there. You are, in fact, the elder pooper.

I don’t know what made me give up and accept her age answer but I did. For some reason that I now cannot explain, I accepted the fact that because she had been pooping longer than me, that she was more of an expert on the subject of what happens when one’s tooth takes this unnatural journey through the body. So after first accepting her explanation and logic of what would happen to my tooth, my reality has taken back over and I know that right now there is a tooth floating around somewhere in my body, wreaking havoc on my system. For all I know, that bit of denture is somewhere in my intestines, on the outer fringe of my oncoming poo, just waiting to bump into the walls of the intestine and leak poop and toxins all over my body.  It will stick out of the poo and scrape it’s way down the intestine, tearing a lengthy hole in me, which is how my body will then fill with poop. My organs will be soaking in waste and I will eventually die from the poison.  And the band will play on as it happens…

I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to get the tooth taken care of.  Bad news: another trip to the dentist. Good news: I will probably have more fodder for my blog.

Toothberg dead ahead!

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Facebook-The Beast

Facebook-The Beast

Isn’t it amazing how we throw the word “friend” around now that we have this bizarre creature named Facebook?  Ten years ago if I had said we were “friends”  some of you would have been appalled that I dare call myself your friend. But in this technologically advanced, socially declining age, we are all friends.

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook; not like the one that I have with the musical Cats. With Cats, I get really excited every time I hear that it’s being performed in St. Louis and I get my double disc album out and prance around my living room while pretending to be the Rum Tum Tuggress (female Tugger of course) and singing and dancing. And then I go to the show and “Memory” starts and I’m like, “Dang it. I HATE this show!” Every time. It’s as if when it comes to Cats I have a short-term memory. I call this my Cats Conundrum.

But my love/hate for Facebook goes deeper.  I love that I am in contact with my childhood friends from Pennsylvania, or that I can look at pictures of my Centralia High School classmates’ kids. Or that I can read about the funny things that happen to you during the day.  My favorites are the snarky status updates from my most clever friends. These things I enjoy.

Facebook allows us to be social without being social. I can sit here and have a conversation with you while I’m in my underwear. I don’t  (usually). But I could. And you would never know.  It allows us to be “friends” with people that we may have been in a geometry class with but never actually spoke to. It allows us to catch up with people without actually having to interact with them. It’s like being a legal non-invasive stalker.

I can see pictures of your vacation without you having to tell me about the neat way that the Disney staff left the towels on your bed, or to have to hear about how low you could go with your limbo. Because as fascinating as these experiences were to you, I’d just rather see the pictures without hearing you tell about how neat it was that the chocolate waffles on the buffet were shaped like spades, diamonds, hearts and clubs.

Facebook allows me to be a voyeur in the privacy of my own home and without feeling dirty about it.

But it’s also a double-edged sword, because for everything I love to hear about on Facebook, there are ten things I don’t want to hear about, or think are ridiculous or find as boring as dryer lint. Here is my not-all-inclusive list of things I dislike or am bored with on Facebook:

  • People who say things that aren’t appropriate. I think the first rule of Facebook is that you should pretend that we (your “friends”) are all at a dinner party together. If you haven’t seen them in seventeen years I’m pretty sure they don’t want to hear about where you pooped.
  • I feel pressured to say “Happy Birthday” to everyone that was ever born. I feel like if I don’t say it, then you will think I don’t care. Yay! You managed to NOT DIE for another year! Way to go! Have some cake!
  • When someone uses their wall to get sympathy.
  • When someone has a loved one pass away and they say “Heaven got another angel today” Really? You really think it works that way? You really believe that God needed your Great Aunt Mamie, who let’s face it, wasn’t all that pleasant to be around while she was down here? You think that’s who He chose to be an angel?
  • When people have an anniversary they say “11 years ago today I married my best friend, Lover( please don’t take me into your bedroom) and the man/woman I want to spend the rest of my life with” When what they should really say is “11 years ago today I settled for my husband/wife and while some of the time he/she is a pain in the butt, overall, I do not regret my actions and I feel that we will make great companions when the sex is gone.”
  • When people say about their kids’ birthday: “6 years ago today, I met the most amazing little person who changed my life! Happy birthday Jr!” when they should really say “6 years ago today I was in a hospital spread eagle trying to eject a living breathing, peeing, pooping basketball out of my body. It took 15 straight hours and my husband was in the waiting room watching the World Series and for that I will always be passive aggressively angry with him. Happy Birthday Jr!”
  • When people complain about it being Monday or not Friday or wish me a “Happy Hump Day” Saying “Happy Hump Day” is the verbal equivalent of giving someone a black “Over the Hill” cane with a side mirror on it; it was never funny.
  • When people complain about the obvious: heat, snow, rain. This is as deep as your river runs?
  • When people put entire conversations that they had with their kids that they think are unique. Some are really funny and I appreciate them.  But guess what? Every little kid calls animals “aminals” and spaghetti “pasghetti”   Originality is what is funny.
  • When people rant about politics on there but then if you disagree with them they either defriend you or get nasty with you. I’m sorry…when did we lose that whole free speech thing?
  • When people who are my age and I haven’t seen since high school still act like they did when I knew them. And still make references to the music of that day-and not because they’re remembering but because they’re stuck in that time.  Also, we are in our late thirties, it’s no longer cool to be  proud of how drunk you were last night.
  • People who try to guilt me into re-posting something to show support for something. Seriously, if you want to show support, throw some money towards the cause instead of posting something that only your FRIENDS can see.
  • People who use Facebook to attack former boyfriends/girlfriends. We are not in junior high anymore. Please take up your issues with your ex, not with the Facebook community.

Facebook has changed our culture irreversibly.  It allows us to re-connect and keep in touch with friends that we might not have been able to find. For me, it is fodder for some of my funnier thoughts. But I think in reality, Facebook needs a catchy phrase, maybe some truth in advertising. So I suggest this:

“Facebook: By the time you realize you know an idiot, it’s too late. You’re in too deep to get out without hurting someone’s feelings.”

Of course, if you’re reading this and you’re a friend of mine on Facebook, I’m obviously not talking about you…

 
3 Comments

Posted by on September 21, 2011 in Easily Annoyed?, Random

 

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Job Interview Q & A

Job Interview Q & A

One of my favorite things to do is to go to St. Louis Bread Company (Panera Bread Co. for those of you not in St.Louis) and listen in on job interviews. I love to watch the interaction between the nervous applicant and the prospective employer.  It’s a totally different experience when you have nothing to lose.

Which made me start thinking that I would love to set up job interviews just to have fun with them and do my own little experiments.  I think that this would make a great hidden camera reality show.  Most interviews usually ask typical questions. I would love to see what the potential employer’s responses would be to atypical answers. Most of these answers require the interviewee to answer very abruptly and then sit in awkward silence after speaking.

Tell me a little about yourself.

I’m five two. I like seafood and long walks on the beach. I’m single but looking.(slow wink at the interviewer)

What are your long-range goals and objectives for the next seven to ten years?

I’m hoping to have the entire collection of dogs that you see in those quarter machines. I have almost all of them but there’s one with a fire hydrant I just can’t seem to get. Also, I would like to have a career at this company.

What are the most important rewards you expect in your career?

I like it when I get one of those Employee of the Month certificates, really makes me feel like I’m needed.

How do you think a friend or professor who knows you well would describe you?

Life of the party.  Fun to be around.  Skipped a lot of classes or showed up drunk. Tells you when you got a boog.

Describe a situation in which you had to work with a difficult person. How did you handle the situation? Is there anything you would have done differently in hindsight?

My way of dealing with difficult people is to turn all of the lights out in the office and hide under the desk when I hear them coming.  What would I have done differently? I would have been in my office instead of theirs. Live and learn, huh?

What motivates you to put forth your greatest effort?

Fear.  Fear of being fired when my boss figures out that I don’t know what I’m doing. Also, I really like Scratch and Sniff stickers.

In what ways have your college experiences prepared you for a career?

My experiences in college made me realize that I work best under pressure.  I am truly amazing when I wait until the last-minute to throw something together.  Not.a.planner, AT ALL.

How do you determine or evaluate success?

When I leave Dave and Buster’s with a giant stuffed animal, then I know I’m a success. Or at the end of the day, when I walk out knowing that I can return the next day, I feel successful. Really feel like I pulled one over on “The Man,” you know what I’m saying?

What have you learned from participation in extracurricular activities?

I have learned that I am very good at kickball and Nerf sword fights.

In what kind of work environment are you most comfortable?

I am most comfortable in an environment where the boss is not breathing down my back, telling me how to do my job or really ever talking to me at all. No eye contact either.

How do you work under pressure?

I crack. I totally crack under pressure. Usually I let out a shriek of terror and then I curl up into a little ball and rock back and forth and sing myself some Natalie Merchant tunes.

Why did you decide to seek a position with our organization?

You’re hiring, right? Oh, and this is really close to my mom’s house so I won’t have to buy my lunch. She really knows her way around a ham and cheese.

What two or three things would be most important to you in your job?

Location, location, location. (let out sighing chuckle) but seriously, I could go to my mom’s for lunch.

What have you learned from your mistakes?

I learned you can get pregnant your first time. Oh, do you offer on-site childcare?

What is your greatest weakness?

I’m super lazy. I will spend a good forty-five minutes in the morning trying to get someone else to do my work. Then the next forty-five minutes I use to play Jeopardy online.

What is your greatest strength?

I can speak in the form of questions. I’m sorry. What is “I can speak in the form of questions.”

How will your greatest strength help you perform?

I will always be in control of every conversation I have because of my ability to phrase things in the form of questions. For example, in this instance, I could have said “How do YOU think my greatest strength will help me perform?”  Boom! I’m in control again.

Describe a typical work week.

I try not to schedule anything for Monday mornings because I am not worth a hoot on Mondays. It’s my low energy, back to the grind day. Then Tuesdays after I play Jeopardy, I really get into the swing of things so much so that I need at least a two-hour nap that afternoon. I spend most of Wednesday planning the happy hour we always go to, sending out e-vites, responding to queries about where we’re going, that kind of thing.  Thursdays, I start my pre-weekend clean-up, get everything ready so that come Friday at five pm, I am out the door!

Do you take work home with you?

No, I leave my work at work. I do however, take a few rubber bands home each night. You should see the rubber band ball I’m working on. It’s massive.

How many hours do you normally work?

Do you mean how many hours am I in the office or how many hours do I work?

Do you prefer to work independently or on a team?

I like to work independently while on a team. I can work well with people but if someone comes up with a better idea than me, I usually sabotage the team’s project because it makes me so angry. So while I’m working on a team, I secretly am working on my own to bring down the team. Win win.

Give some examples of teamwork.

I am a leader. And once when I didn’t like the manager’s way of handling an issue, I organized the employees as a team to mutiny against him.  We all really came together to get that guy fired.

Describe a time when your workload was heavy and how you handled it.

One time, and I’m not proud of this, but one time, when I missed about a week of work and came back to see that my inbox was overflowing, I just shredded some of the documents I needed to do one of the projects.  That way, when my boss came to me asking where I was with a certain task, I told him that so-and-so didn’t get me the papers I needed so I couldn’t complete it.  That other guy got fired.  But,  better him than me, am I right? You feel me?

Why are you the best person for the job?

Have you been in the lobby? If those are the other candidates, I believe that your day of interviews will answer this question for me.

Are you willing to travel?

I’m willing but unfortunately, I am unable to leave the county due to some pending warrants.

What will you do if you don’t get this position?

I’ll cry at first. But then I’ll probably be really mad. I mean, SUPER MAD. You drive the blue Corolla out front, right?

Why did you leave your last job?

I didn’t leave voluntarily or without force. Unfortunately I can’t speak about it until after the trial.

Do you have any questions for me?

Yes, I do. Would you say that we were AT LEAST two hundred yards away from that school over there?

 
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Posted by on August 27, 2011 in Random

 

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Brain Matter

Brain Matter

I wonder how much brain space is wasted on storing things we won’t ever need to remember. Why do certain things stick in our heads even if they haven’t affected us directly at all? (Why do I remember that Jeanie K.  had Fruity Pebbles in sixth grade on the same day that she was worried she didn’t use enough hairspray?) Why can I remember things like this but I stare blankly at the bank teller when they ask me what my account number is?

Things that I needed to know in school (at least until I passed the test) didn’t seem to stick in my head the way things I have no reason to remember do. I couldn’t tell you the fifty capitals but I could certainly tell you how I ate my Fruit Roll-Ups in junior high (They all got funerals before being devoured, of course. Duh.)

I’m not talking about events in my life either.  Everyone remembers events unless they were intoxicated or were heavy glue sniffers growing up. I wasn’t so much a glue sniffer but I did snort paste (Please do not send me emails on the dangers of paste sniffing as I was not really a paste sniffer, nor am I even sure that it is possible to be one.) I’m talking about this random stuff that no one will ever speak about again. One of my friend’s favorite way to pass time was to point to something in my house and have me tell her where I got it, how much it was and what else I bought (or did) that day. This party trick would cause her to stare, slack-jawed at me like I was a circus freak show act. It didn’t help my case that I, for the most part, could do that with fairly decent accuracy.

I don’t understand why my brain stores away this stuff. Can you imagine what it would be like to be able to click the “trash” icon in our heads and start over? Think of how many arguments that would end due to lack of mental evidence.

What is odd is that I could get my little mental file folder of interactions I’ve had with someone and remember a lot of what was said (Fruity Pebbles) but if you asked me to repeat something I said ten seconds ago, I honestly couldn’t do it.

How does that even work? Sometimes the stuff that I do remember ends up hurting me in the long run because then someone will say something and it doesn’t add up and then my brain decides to step up and say “Hey, remember when he/she said this but…”

I had more to say but I can’t remember. Go figure. Ask me ten years from now and I will be able to tell you what it was I was going to write, what I was wearing, what I had for lunch that day and how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

I  think I just figured out how this happens. Maybe my brain was left so empty from all of the stuff I was SUPPOSED to learn over the years that it just started grabbing anything it could get its grubby little fingers around and it didn’t care what knowledge it was as long as it could fill that empty space. Maybe someday all of this seemingly useless knowledge will come together.

One day I’ll be sitting around and suddenly the memory of what I used to carry around in my purse when I was four will come together with how many notes I saw you pass to your boyfriend when we were sophomores and where we ate dinner after our weekly girls only poker game and lo and behold I will use that information in a MacGyver-like way and keep mankind safe from a harmless-looking-but-filled-with-explosives van in the parking lot.

Or maybe not. But for the record, my purse had one Lego person, a rubber band, a piece of Big Red, a gold plastic poodle from a box of Cracker Jacks, two pennies and a grape Scratch and Sniff sticker.

Let’s see you diffuse a ticking time bomb with that, MacGyver.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on August 23, 2011 in Random

 

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