It’s funny how we all become “thankful” this time of year, as opposed to being grateful for who and what we have year round. I know that on every November morning, I can expect to find several status updates that start “Today I am thankful for….” Since we are nearing the end of this month and I have yet to be publicly thankful, I decided to, instead of dragging out my thankfulness for a full month, I would just smoosh it all up into one day and get it over with so that I can continue with my regularly scheduled feelings of entitlement, greed and self-centeredness.
Day 1: I am thankful for Halloween candy sales, wherein I can purchase massive amounts of candy for fifty to seventy percent off.
Day 2: I am thankful that I know how to use the timer on my camera so that I don’t have to take pictures with the camera held at arm’s length when I think I’m having a good hair day or am looking particularly sexy
Day 3: I am thankful when I am in line behind someone in a store or at the library and they do not smell like stale bowling alleys.
Day 4: I am thankful that when I get out of the shower the first thing I see is a little rubber ducky rug. No, I am not five. I am…more than five.
Day 5: I am thankful that I did not light a match immediately after using hand sanitizer.
Day 6: I am thankful that I haven’t reached that point of old ladyhood where my bright red lipstick bleeds into the creases around my mouth.
Day 7: I am thankful that I do not do heroin. I wish my neighbors felt the same way.
Day 8: I am thankful that I never lost a mylar balloon in a tree in my front yard because then I would have had to re-live that tragedy every day because they tend to withstand the elements for quite a while.
Day 9: I am thankful for the smiley-winky face that is available for my use in text messages and facebook comments. It allows me to continue on my path to ultimate snarkdom.
Day 10: I am thankful that my dog does not like to eat the poop of any animal.
Day 11: I am thankful for White Castle as an alternative to harsh laxatives.
Day 12: I am thankful that I am sometimes able to make sure someone is ok when they fall down before I begin laughing at them.
Day 13: I am thankful that none of my friends have bumper stickers on their car because if they did they would not be my friend.
Day 14: I am thankful that I can perform a perfect spit take.
Day 15: I am thankful that my friends do not travel to the bathroom in herds. I am not comfortable talking to anyone while they’re pooping.
Day 16: I am thankful that a rat has never crawled into my laundry basket in the basement and made its way into my living quarters.
Day 17: I am thankful for marshmallow fluff.
Day 18: I am thankful for Bob Ross on lazy afternoons. Bob Ross paints naps.
Day 19: I am thankful that I have never been caught squishing my neighbor’s grass between my toes when I walk Yadi on the next street over because I’m not sure how I would explain my behavior.
Day 20: I am thankful that sometimes I can keep a straight face when someone says “duty.”
Day 21: I am thankful that the floor beneath my shower has not yet rotted enough for me to end up naked in a pile of rubble in my basement. Key word: YET.
Day 22: I am thankful for penguins. They always make me laugh when they walk because they look like they’re trying so hard to not slip and fall.
Day 23: I am thankful that when I say something that I think is funny and no one laughs, I do not feel the need to repeat it to try to get the laugh.
Day 24: I am thankful that when I say something that I think is funny and no one laughs, I do not feel the need to repeat it to try to get the laugh.
Day 25: I am thankful that you just got that joke and laughed so that I don’t have to repeat it again.
Day 26; I am thankful that my neighbors with windchimes moved. Or had their windchimes destroyed.
Day 27: I am thankful that my hand is small enough to fit into a Pringles can fairly easily.
Day 28: I am thankful that I was able to get Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center’s commercial jingle out of my head…until now. Dang it. (singing) Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center…Don’t suffer in silence.
Day 29: I am thankful that I never felt the urge to eat Play-Doh as a kid.
Day 30: I am thankful that we are only a few months away from spring training.