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Live from the Oscars

27 Feb
Live from the Oscars

I watch the awards shows. But not because I think that actors and musicians are really lacking the recognition they deserve. I think we can all agree that the last people on earth that needs an ego boost is Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt. I watch for the same reason that I, almost every season, tune in for the season finale of The Apprentice even though I haven’t been watching it the rest of the year: it’s LIVE. This means that anything can happen. Someone may have a very public meltdown. The censors may not bleep someone in time. Or worst case scenario, Janet Jackson might flash her boob.

I watched the Oscars last night. And for the record I was wearing a lovely off the shoulder strapless emerald gown made by Carolina Herrera. It was amazing. It made me look very fit, made me a stunning five foot nine inches tall and gave me the right curves in all the right places. Unfortunately, the paparazzi were not aware of my Oscar viewing party (And by party, I mean party of one, because none of my friends will sit through three and a half hours of unwitty banter on the possibility of hearing a unbleeped cussword.) so there are no pictures documenting how fabulous I really looked so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Instead of flooding Facebook with eighteen hundred status updates of my every thought, I decided to jot down my thoughts, however random they may be, and share them in a blog. If you watched the Oscars, you’ll understand. If you didn’t, then I have condensed the highlights (as they appeared in my mind) into a sort of laundry list for you to peruse, thereby saving you those three and a half hours. Don’t ask me to do the same for you with Titanic in 3-D. I was barely able to sit through that the first time. So here are my thoughts, in the order that they came to me.

Morgan Freeman opening the Oscars by standing on the stage and welcoming us to the 84th Annual Academy Awards? What was that? Was that necessary? It felt weird. I thought I sat on my remote and accidentally flipped to Ken Burn’s Civil War on PBS.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s hair. Nix that. Gwyneth Paltrow. You could hand her any book, any essay, anything written by any number of geniuses, ask her to read aloud from it, and she will still come off sounding unintelligent.

Billy Crystal looks more and more like an old woman every year. I kept wanting to tie a scarf around his head, put him in a tattered coat, fingerless gloves and unlaced boots and send him out into the streets to beg for bread.

Martin Scorcese (DO A SHOT!) looks like that little old man in some of the Pixar short films. It’s the dark eyebrows but I can just picture him repairing a toy.

Brian Grazer has weird hair. It sticks up all over the place and you can tell he did it on purpose. I know we had the messy look but was his style ever actually popular?

The McDonald’s commercial where the two girls are sitting there eating fries and they see a cute boy and one of the girls starts doing the “he loves me, he loves me not” schtick? Not realistic at all. They show the girl’s hand reaching for a fry from the box and the box is not all spotted and stained with grease. It’s perfectly dry and stain free. Yeah right.

Did they really just show a scene from Twilight in the “Oscar’s best movie moments” montage? Seriously? Twilight at the Oscars? That’s like Ryan Seacrest announcing that he’s getting married….TO A WOMAN.

Why can’t Jennifer Lopez show up for just one awards show, just one, where she doesn’t have her dress cut so low? Those puppies don’t need to breathe that much.

Great. A video clip of Reese Witherspoon talking about her all time favorite movie (Overboard. OVERBOARD? YOU HAVE A BAZILLION CLASSICS TO CHOOSE FROM AND YOU ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD THAT YOUR ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIE IS OVERBOARD????) Now I will be thinking about her weird chin all night.

Sandra Bullock presenting for best foreign film, while speaking Chinese with a German accent. And the audience applauded. Weird, weird, weird.

Best part of the entire night: The Cast of the Christopher Guest movies doing the focus group spoof. Is it going to have flying monkeys? LOVED IT.

Some of the commercials from the Oscars were way better than the Superbowl commercials. I absolutely loved the Ellen Degeneres/JC Penney commercials. They were hilarious! And effective, because I was able to tell you what company they were for, which is a lot more than I can say about some of the Superbowl ads. That Motley Crue, pixie dust commercial? What was that for?

LOVED the Cirque de Soleil performance. I can’t imagine how many aches and pains those people will have when they hit forty.

Christopher Plummer, 82, wins an Oscar, making him the oldest person ever to win one? Yay! More Edelweiss!

Angelina Jolie. She gets on the stage in a Jessica Rabbit-like gown and immediately throws her right leg out to the side to show off how high her dress is cut. Who does that? That cried “I’m desperate to prove I’m still sexy. Please cheer for me and my varicose vein-free right leg.”

I’d rather not win an Oscar than to win one and have to walk from the back of the auditorium all the way down to the stage to get it. I would feel like they really didn’t think I deserved it but got outnumbered by the votes or that they thought I was just a flash in the pan who would never make it back here again. Oscar speech:  “Thanks Academy…for not really believing in me!”

(This is un-Oscar related but happened so I feel like I have to include it in the timeline of thoughts) I hate it when I’m clipping my toenails and one errant toenail flies off somewhere and then no matter how hard I try to find it, I can’t. Every time I go near the spot where the clipping occurred I will always be looking for that toenail, knowing that it’s still around.

I do not like Oprah. I did however, like the Jimmy Kimmel “Say Anything” promo with her. If only it hadn’t had Oprah in it…

In Memoriam: I’m just glad that Jennifer Hudson didn’t offer her services for this tribute.

Ashley Judd is going to be in a TV series? What went wrong in that career? Ashley, you’re going the wrong way! It’s television, THEN movies! Follow the Clooney model!

Who looked at Ed Norton and thought “This guy would make a great leading man.” He looks like the guy at Wal-mart whose sole job is to make keys.

Why does pot make your eyes puffy? (Please note that I was not smoking pot. Read next note to understand my train of thought.)

Billy Crystal’s eyes seem to be more open as the night goes on. I wonder if he was high when the show started and is now sobering up a bit. Because he was all squinty in the beginning but now I can see pupils.

How can anyone NOT like George Clooney?

Why do people think that Brad Pitt is a good actor? Sure, he was cute at one time. But every role is just Brad Pitt playing Brad Pitt.

And finally, SO EXCITED that Meryl Streep finally won again! Seventeen nominations and only two wins?

That? That right there? That proves that life is not fair.

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2 Comments

Posted by on February 27, 2012 in Bad TV is the Best TV

 

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2 responses to “Live from the Oscars

  1. Uncle

    February 27, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Excellent recap. Nice work, Young Lady. (except where you blew it with the Edward Norton comment) Great job, Kid.

     
  2. Uncle

    February 28, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Nice job, Young Lady. Some excellent insights…except for the crack about Edward Norton. Otherwise, very well done, Kid.

     

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