I hate Valentine’s Day. I should say I hate Valentine’s Day as an adult, or at my current age which is as close to being an adult as I will ever get. It’s an excuse for Hallmark to sell a cutesy animated stuffed animal(with the purchase of 3 cards) so that you don’t have to really go out and think of a real gift. It’s the gift card of Valentine’s Day. Hallmark makes it easy for people who are too lazy to think of a creative or appropriate gift. And love is in the air. Why do we need a day specifically marked to show love? Shouldn’t we be treating people with love all year round, minus the candy, flowers and other red pink and white crap?
I loved Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. The whole process: first during art class at school you made the shoebox mailbox,covering it in construction paper and paper doilies, maybe some vellum cupids and pink hearts,also cut out of construction paper or tissue paper, which incidentally doesn’t respond to glue well. I was in Wal-mart the other day and saw that you can now buy your Valentines cards in a pre-made mailbox…you know, because kids have so much going on these days that they don’t have time for this childish mailbox making. Then you pick out the theme of your cards(Snoopy for me) then sitting with your mom, before you could write to pick out the perfect valentine for each member of your class. Hopefully you weren’t one of those people who didn’t give all of the kids a card. If you were, then you can just quit reading this now because I don’t like you. Go on. Get out of here. You are not welcome in my world. Anyway, you start with your closest friends, giving them the best cards first. You don’t want to give people the same card but with only 32 cards and 4 designs it’s bound to happen.
Then you go to school that day and you’re all excited because the last hour of school is set aside for the rockin’ Valentines Day party. So you try to get through the day and focus but let’s face it you;re not learning anything today, you’re just biding your time until you can get your hands on the cupcakes. Finally, the anticipation is over. All of the desks are moved to one side of the room, for a reason I will never understand. It’s not like first graders are going to dance when there is a buttload of candy and cupcakes and fruit punch to inhale. Nothing like giving little kids a ton of sugar and sending them home to their parents. Everyone walks around the room putting their cards in the little shoeboxes. Some kids put those little chalky hearts in the envelopes. I never ate them because we all know that most of those little kids didn’t wash their hands and had their fingers up their noses and in and on other bits and pieces. After the mail is delivered to the construction paper-covered Nike boxes, everyone goes off with their friends or alone to check out all of their cards. Then the cupcakes are handed out and the icing on top is piled at least as high as the actual cake. You get a little coffee cup, if you’re lucky, of fruit punch, or if you’re not lucky a Dixie cup. I could never get the cupcake/fruit punch ratio right when I was given a Dixie cup of punch and always ended up with drymouth. Everyone sits around eating and drinking, laughing and comparing cards. The sugar kicks in and kids start running around chasing each other and you know now why they moved the desks. Inevitably one little kid will fall and tear a hole in their Toughskins jeans and thus the party ends.
Then you go home and you take out all of your Valentines and you organize them and you see who sent you doubles and you analyze what was meant by the “I choo choo choose you”(thanks ralph wiggum) card that that little boy who normally throws gummy bears at you gave you. You organize, re-organize and put them away for later viewing.
The next day sucks because everyone is worn out from the sugar overdose and sad because the day of love is over. Ok….that part is pretty much the same now as it was when I was a kid.
I guess I shouldn’t say I hate Valentine’s Day as an adult because as one I have the ability to mold my own post-Valentine’s day destiny…
which involves hitting as many clearanced candy sales as possible…..