First of all, let me apologize for my two week sabbatical…what?….what’s that? You didn’t realize I was gone? Well I was. But now I’m back. And it’ll be easier for you to get rid of that toe fungus you think you’ve been hiding from us all than to get rid of me.
Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I’m just going to go ahead and put this out there: I don’t normally make new year’s resolutions. Here’s why. I see no point in setting myself up for failure. If we are all being honest, we get super excited at the beginning of a new year and we make all these promises-I WILL lose weight, I WILL fall in love, I WILL stop eating ten White Castle cheeseburgers right before bed every night for two weeks, and then, right around January 9th, we find ourselves lying in bed alone with little grease-stained cardboard hamburger holders strewn all over our duvet.
This year I decided to make my resolutions more attainable so that instead of feeling like a failure before January is over, I put off that inevitable feeling until at least mid-March. So here they are, narrowed down to the top ten most important ones.
1. I will finish that can of Chef Boyardee beefaroni. I will not open it, eat a few bites, realize that it’s barely food and throw it into a Tupperware container that will sit in my fridge until August. There are people starving, you know.
2. I will not hum or strum the opening notes of “Dueling Banjos” every time my hometown is mentioned.
3. I will not try to pass off the clump of hair that I dredge up from my bathtub drain as a donation to “Locks of Love” just to get a free movie rental from Blockbuster.
4. I will stop watching Good Times obsessively.
5. I will not write the word “poop” in the dust on my boss’ desk because she refuses to clean it off. Instead, I will learn the word for poop in seven different languages and write that instead.
6. I will have the “Thank You” that is tattooed on my right palm removed so that I actually have to verbalize my thanks instead of just holding up my hand.
7. I will not make any jokes about Whitney Houston. Or Rosie O’Donnell. Or Spiderman the musical. It’s too easy and I refuse to use a comedy crutch.
8. I will try to be more patient with mouthbreathers. Seriously, though, you have two other orifices designed specifically for inhaling and exhaling, USE THEM. And I don’t mean as a parking space for your finger.
9. I will not try to start the wave during Sunday morning church services. or funerals. or when I’m alone on my couch.
10. I will not giggle every time I re-order my acid reflux medicine, aciphex….Dang it, I giggled…..