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Thankful

21 Nov
Thankful

It’s funny how we all become “thankful” this time of year, as opposed to being grateful for who and what we have year round.  I know that on every November morning, I can expect to find several status updates that start “Today I am thankful for….” Since we are nearing the end of this month and I have yet to be publicly thankful, I decided to, instead of dragging out my thankfulness for a full month, I would just smoosh it all up into one day and get it over with so that I can continue with my regularly scheduled feelings of entitlement, greed and self-centeredness.

Day 1:  I am thankful for Halloween candy sales, wherein I can purchase massive amounts of candy for fifty to seventy percent off.

Day 2:  I am thankful that I know how to use the timer on my camera so that I don’t have to take pictures with the camera held at arm’s length when I think I’m having a good hair day or am looking particularly sexy

Day 3:  I am thankful when I am in line behind someone in a store or at the library and they do not smell like stale bowling alleys.

Day 4: I am thankful that when I get out of the shower the first thing I see is a little rubber ducky rug. No, I am not five. I am…more than five.

Day 5:  I am thankful that I did not light a match immediately after using hand sanitizer.

Day 6: I am thankful that I haven’t reached that point of old ladyhood where my bright red lipstick bleeds into the creases around my mouth.

Day 7: I am thankful that I do not do heroin.  I wish my neighbors felt the same way.

Day 8:  I am thankful that I never lost a mylar balloon in a tree in my front yard because then I would have had to re-live that tragedy every day because they tend to withstand the elements for quite a while.

Day 9:  I am thankful for the smiley-winky face that is available for my use in text messages and facebook comments. It allows me to continue on my path to ultimate snarkdom.

Day 10: I am thankful that my dog does not like to eat the poop of any animal.

Day 11:  I am thankful for White Castle as an alternative to harsh laxatives.

Day 12: I am thankful that I am sometimes able to make sure someone is ok when they fall down before I begin laughing at them.

Day 13:  I am thankful that none of my friends have bumper stickers on their car because if they did they would not be my friend.

Day 14: I am thankful that I can perform a perfect spit take.

Day 15: I am thankful that my friends do not travel to the bathroom in herds.  I am not comfortable talking to anyone while they’re pooping.

Day 16: I am thankful that a rat has never crawled into my laundry basket in the basement and made its way into my living quarters.

Day 17:  I am thankful for marshmallow fluff. 

Day 18: I am thankful for Bob Ross on lazy afternoons.  Bob Ross paints naps.

Day 19: I am thankful that I have never been caught squishing my neighbor’s grass between my toes when I walk Yadi on the next street over because I’m not sure how I would explain my behavior.

Day 20: I am thankful that sometimes I can keep a straight face when someone says “duty.”

Day 21: I am thankful that the floor beneath my shower has not yet rotted enough for me to end up naked in a pile of rubble in my basement. Key word: YET.

Day 22: I am thankful for penguins. They always make me laugh when they walk because they look like they’re trying so hard to not slip and fall.

Day 23:  I am thankful that when I say something that I think is funny and no one laughs, I do not feel the need to repeat it to try to get the laugh.

Day 24: I am thankful that when I say something that I think is funny and no one laughs, I do not feel the need to repeat it to try to get the laugh.

Day 25: I am thankful that you just got that joke and laughed so that I don’t have to repeat it again.

Day 26; I am thankful that my neighbors with windchimes moved. Or had their windchimes destroyed.

Day 27: I am thankful that my hand is small enough to fit into a Pringles can fairly easily.

Day 28: I am thankful that I was able to get Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center’s commercial jingle out of my head…until now. Dang it.  (singing) Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center…Don’t suffer in silence.

Day 29: I am thankful that I never felt the urge to eat Play-Doh as a kid.

Day 30:  I am thankful that we are only a few months away from spring training.

AMEN!

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2 Comments

Posted by on November 21, 2011 in Random

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

2 responses to “Thankful

  1. zumpoems

    November 25, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Love the random feature — clicked on RANDOM under your categories. Wish I could figure out how to do that for my blog.

     
    • Jenn Murphy

      November 25, 2011 at 9:02 pm

      Half the time I don’t know what buttons I push….

       

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