14 Oct

Often I find something (or someone) poorly designed (It’s a shame I can’t do anything about it when it’s a person) and I find myself thinking, “Why don’t they do that differently?” or “Why don’t they make that better?” or in the case of someone, “Why don’t they GO AWAY?” And since I have the same exact thought every time I encounter the item or issue, or person, I decided to share my thoughts to see if anyone else had these same feelings, just to make myself feel a little more normal.

Why don’t they make an EZ Bake Oven for adults? Sometimes I want cake but not a WHOLE cake. I usually end up buying one of those microwaveable ones and they’re kind of nasty.

Why do they bother putting a warning on Q-Tips? Everyone shoves them as far down their ear canal as they will go. It’s their main use, I bet.

Why do they use the same echo-y voice for monster truck, motocross and professional wrestling commercials? Is that echo-y voice to hillbillies what the color red is to hummingbirds?  Do they hear that voice and come running slack-jawed and drooling to see where they can watch cars or people smash each other up?

Why do they make all Christmas extension cords green? Am I supposed to be fooled into thinking that the tree has a long leafless vine sprouting in its branches? Are they fooling anyone?

Why does Urban Outfitters use the weirdest pictures in their catalogs? Are they aiming at the heroin-addicted, bath salt snorting crowd? Because it seems like maybe they are.

Why to they put gold water carafes in every court room? Does magic judicial water only come in golden containers?

Why do they always have cracked or smeared makeup in magazine spreads about new colors or fashions? How is that more appealing? Because if I open up my makeup and it is cracked or smeared I am not happy about it.

Why do they always make good guys in movies take on thirteen bad guys? I don’t remember ever seeing one guy take on that many people and it have a happy ending for him. Also, I rarely see fights that are that well choreographed. 

Why do they call them “Once A Day” vitamins and then tell me to take two? How can your brand name literally be “Once A Day” .

Why do people buy Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World? I’ve never seen anyone wear them ever again. Outside of their vacation photos.

Why do they make biscuit cans so pressurized? Tell me your heart doesn’t jump a little when you pop open a can because it startles you just a little bit.

Why do some tampon companies put affirmations on their wrappers? Why do I need someone cheering me on at that very moment? “Go out there and show them what you’ve got!” Indeed.

Why do people always buy shirts from a vacation destination? Where will you ever want to be seen in a “Reno NV” shirt again?

Why do people write chapter upon chapter about their ancestors in their biographies? No one cares when your grandmother immigrated, Olympia Dukakis. No one.

Why do they make wind chimes? They just annoy everyone within earshot.

Why don’t they make Pringle cans bigger? I feel like a monkey reaching through a cage for a banana when I try to pull my fist full of chips out. It’s a dilemma because I want the chips but my hand is stuck and then like said monkey, I panic a bit. And I have small hands. I can’t imagine how hard this is for a normal-sized human.

Why don’t they make hand soap dispenser tubes a little bit longer? You can’t get any soap out when there is just a few drops left. Wasteful.

Why do they make those cheese and sausage gift packs around Christmas? Who gives that as a gift? Best thing about them: the three strawberry hard candies that are used as decoration.

Why do they give open book tests? To prove that kids know how to plagiarise an answer straight from the pages?

Why are they called sanitary pads? It doesn’t seem sanitary to me to sit in that for any amount of time.

Also, why do they always blame everything on one collective “they” Who are they? And if you find them, please hand them this list of questions.

Because I want answers. And only THEY have them.


Posted by on October 14, 2011 in Random


Tags: , , , , , ,

4 responses to “They

  1. Nicole

    October 14, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    I’m a big fan Jenn. Another great post, hilarious!

    • Jenn Murphy

      October 14, 2011 at 7:15 pm

      Thanks! Please help me spread the word by telling your friends and “liking” me on facebook and “sharing” my posts on facebook! It feels so odd to beg people to “like” you! 🙂

  2. Crystal

    October 17, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Good read Jenn! I have always wanted to know where to sign up to be a “They”. Let me know if you or someone finds “Them”. I do love wind chimes though….not so much the little high pitch sounding ones.
    I have also wondered why my Halls cough drops give me a pep talk on every wrapper……save the ink and charge less for the drops! Ok so now that I have thrown some random thougts at you…have a wonderful day!

    • Jenn Murphy

      October 17, 2011 at 11:02 am

      I agree about the pep talk. I don’t need any cheering on at that particular moment. Windchimes: ugh.


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