One of my favorite things to do is to go to St. Louis Bread Company (Panera Bread Co. for those of you not in St.Louis) and listen in on job interviews. I love to watch the interaction between the nervous applicant and the prospective employer. It’s a totally different experience when you have nothing to lose.
Which made me start thinking that I would love to set up job interviews just to have fun with them and do my own little experiments. I think that this would make a great hidden camera reality show. Most interviews usually ask typical questions. I would love to see what the potential employer’s responses would be to atypical answers. Most of these answers require the interviewee to answer very abruptly and then sit in awkward silence after speaking.
Tell me a little about yourself.
I’m five two. I like seafood and long walks on the beach. I’m single but looking.(slow wink at the interviewer)
What are your long-range goals and objectives for the next seven to ten years?
I’m hoping to have the entire collection of dogs that you see in those quarter machines. I have almost all of them but there’s one with a fire hydrant I just can’t seem to get. Also, I would like to have a career at this company.
What are the most important rewards you expect in your career?
I like it when I get one of those Employee of the Month certificates, really makes me feel like I’m needed.
How do you think a friend or professor who knows you well would describe you?
Life of the party. Fun to be around. Skipped a lot of classes or showed up drunk. Tells you when you got a boog.
Describe a situation in which you had to work with a difficult person. How did you handle the situation? Is there anything you would have done differently in hindsight?
My way of dealing with difficult people is to turn all of the lights out in the office and hide under the desk when I hear them coming. What would I have done differently? I would have been in my office instead of theirs. Live and learn, huh?
What motivates you to put forth your greatest effort?
Fear. Fear of being fired when my boss figures out that I don’t know what I’m doing. Also, I really like Scratch and Sniff stickers.
In what ways have your college experiences prepared you for a career?
My experiences in college made me realize that I work best under pressure. I am truly amazing when I wait until the last-minute to throw something together. Not.a.planner, AT ALL.
How do you determine or evaluate success?
When I leave Dave and Buster’s with a giant stuffed animal, then I know I’m a success. Or at the end of the day, when I walk out knowing that I can return the next day, I feel successful. Really feel like I pulled one over on “The Man,” you know what I’m saying?
What have you learned from participation in extracurricular activities?
I have learned that I am very good at kickball and Nerf sword fights.
In what kind of work environment are you most comfortable?
I am most comfortable in an environment where the boss is not breathing down my back, telling me how to do my job or really ever talking to me at all. No eye contact either.
How do you work under pressure?
I crack. I totally crack under pressure. Usually I let out a shriek of terror and then I curl up into a little ball and rock back and forth and sing myself some Natalie Merchant tunes.
Why did you decide to seek a position with our organization?
You’re hiring, right? Oh, and this is really close to my mom’s house so I won’t have to buy my lunch. She really knows her way around a ham and cheese.
What two or three things would be most important to you in your job?
Location, location, location. (let out sighing chuckle) but seriously, I could go to my mom’s for lunch.
What have you learned from your mistakes?
I learned you can get pregnant your first time. Oh, do you offer on-site childcare?
What is your greatest weakness?
I’m super lazy. I will spend a good forty-five minutes in the morning trying to get someone else to do my work. Then the next forty-five minutes I use to play Jeopardy online.
What is your greatest strength?
I can speak in the form of questions. I’m sorry. What is “I can speak in the form of questions.”
How will your greatest strength help you perform?
I will always be in control of every conversation I have because of my ability to phrase things in the form of questions. For example, in this instance, I could have said “How do YOU think my greatest strength will help me perform?” Boom! I’m in control again.
Describe a typical work week.
I try not to schedule anything for Monday mornings because I am not worth a hoot on Mondays. It’s my low energy, back to the grind day. Then Tuesdays after I play Jeopardy, I really get into the swing of things so much so that I need at least a two-hour nap that afternoon. I spend most of Wednesday planning the happy hour we always go to, sending out e-vites, responding to queries about where we’re going, that kind of thing. Thursdays, I start my pre-weekend clean-up, get everything ready so that come Friday at five pm, I am out the door!
Do you take work home with you?
No, I leave my work at work. I do however, take a few rubber bands home each night. You should see the rubber band ball I’m working on. It’s massive.
How many hours do you normally work?
Do you mean how many hours am I in the office or how many hours do I work?
Do you prefer to work independently or on a team?
I like to work independently while on a team. I can work well with people but if someone comes up with a better idea than me, I usually sabotage the team’s project because it makes me so angry. So while I’m working on a team, I secretly am working on my own to bring down the team. Win win.
Give some examples of teamwork.
I am a leader. And once when I didn’t like the manager’s way of handling an issue, I organized the employees as a team to mutiny against him. We all really came together to get that guy fired.
Describe a time when your workload was heavy and how you handled it.
One time, and I’m not proud of this, but one time, when I missed about a week of work and came back to see that my inbox was overflowing, I just shredded some of the documents I needed to do one of the projects. That way, when my boss came to me asking where I was with a certain task, I told him that so-and-so didn’t get me the papers I needed so I couldn’t complete it. That other guy got fired. But, better him than me, am I right? You feel me?
Why are you the best person for the job?
Have you been in the lobby? If those are the other candidates, I believe that your day of interviews will answer this question for me.
Are you willing to travel?
I’m willing but unfortunately, I am unable to leave the county due to some pending warrants.
What will you do if you don’t get this position?
I’ll cry at first. But then I’ll probably be really mad. I mean, SUPER MAD. You drive the blue Corolla out front, right?
Why did you leave your last job?
I didn’t leave voluntarily or without force. Unfortunately I can’t speak about it until after the trial.
Do you have any questions for me?
Yes, I do. Would you say that we were AT LEAST two hundred yards away from that school over there?