I was driving to the park today when the Pina Colada song by Rupert Holmes came on the radio. Soon I was bopping around in my car, tapping on the steering wheel and singing along. This is one of those songs that I know but I don’t know. I know enough to sing along with the chorus and a few other lines but I couldn’t sing it to you from start to finish.
What I’ve always found peculiar about this song is that for the topic, it’s unusually upbeat. If you look at the lyrics (which I did as soon as I got home) it has a story that doesn’t fit with the music. I think for content sake, it would be better as a country song.
If you don’t know the song, let me give you the in-a-nutshell version of it: A guy decides he’s bored with his marriage so he looks through the personal ads and finds an interesting one about a lady who wants a man who shares her love for pina coladas (and getting caught in the rain.) This piques his interest so he takes out his own personal ad telling her he likes pina coladas (and getting caught in the rain. The song is now stuck in your head. You’re welcome.) and he wants to meet her. So he goes to the bar he mentioned in the ad and in walks his own lovely lady.
And she says “Oh it’s you.”
REALLY? YOU WERE JUST BUSTED TRYING TO CHEAT BY YOUR CHEATING HUSBAND AND ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS “OH IT’S YOU?”
And then they laugh about it. They both realize that they both like “pina coladas, getting caught in the rain, the feel of the ocean and the taste of champagne, making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.”
This relationship has dysfunctional written all over it. They both tried to cheat on each other, neither knows what the other one does and doesn’t like. (Seriously, they’re married. How have they not had conversations, and awkward moments where one of them says “Yeah, never do that again. I don’t like it.” How do two people who so obviously have distinct ideas about where they like to “make love” not know these things about each other or that the other one has strong hankerings for fruity drinks?) And when they discover that they’re both trying to cheat they laugh?
The song ends with them making these discoveries and giggling….but does the story end? I’ve always wanted to know what happened to the couple after their moment of laughter in the bar. So I wrote my own ending.
EXTRA VERSE 1:
So we got into therapy and we talked and we cried.
And we decided to quit drinking, for twenty days we were dry.
But then we got into a big fight, and she called me a cheat.
I said I’ve got someone who I’d like you, that I’d like you to meet.
Then I said “hello pot, you’re the kettle” as she ran at me with a knife.
I didn’t like being cut or being stabbed by my wife.
I had to get eleven stitches, on my neck at the nape.
And I barely got away, I just barely escaped.
So my lady’s in prison. She’s probably popular there.
Because of her big boobs, her long legs and her flowing red hair.
Now I can’t use my left arm, or feel my lower half.
And when they took out the stitches, I was infected with staph.
So now I can’t drink pina coladas, or raise my arm above my head.
Good thing I never liked yoga because below the waist I am dead.
I’ve got to park in a disabled spot, land in my wheelchair in a heap.
I hope my lady has a lady, one she cannot escape.
Much more realistic.