Back to School

This time of year always puts me in a “what can I share with the younger generation” kind of mood.  I see the school supplies popping up on the shelves (I will buy massive amounts of Crayola crayons after the back to school rush is over.)  I smell the diesel of the buses as they drive their routes a few weeks before school starts.and I can almost feel myself slipping in the puddle of urine pooling at the feet of the scared kindergartener.

I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t take away a lot from my textbooks. Oh sure I got the basics down: reading, math, basic science and “don’t touch yourself in public” but there were a few key things that really have stuck with me. Since my education was probably very different from yours, we may not have learned the same things,and you may now have kids that need some advice,  here is some of what I learned.  I hope in return, you will share with me, some of what you learned:

* Don’t swallow the fluoride treatments.

* Don’t eat Oreos before the fluoride treatments.

* Don’t put stickers on the inside of your desk.

* Don’t punch your best friend in the stomach in front of the teacher.

* If you have to choose between two sleepovers, stay home. It makes your life easier on Monday.

* Stay away from the mean girls.

* Don’t swing on the girls’ bathroom stall doors like Tarzan. Someone will tell.

* Don’t give someone a best friends necklace when someone else thinks they’re your best friend.

* Always be ready for a pop-fly.

* When playing catcher, stay low.

* Don’t get sent to the hall for talking when the principal is coming down the hall.

*Don’t knock down the school Christmas tree.

* Stay with your class when you go on a field trip. They may leave you behind.

* Don’t quote Rainman. You will not remember that year of your life.

* Unless you enjoy the sound of your knees and ankles popping every time you bend, don’t do a lot of slapstick falls.

* Don’t wear tear-away pants around the college theatre group. It’s too tempting and too drafty.

* Always have finger puppets in your backpack for easy re-enactments.

* Don’t be sorry, be better.

* Fake it ’til you make it.

* The lady talking in the booth behind you at Denny’s IS NOT the voice of Piglet.

* Don’t try to roast Nerds candy over an incense stick (I don’t know why I tried either…but it was nasty.)

*Don’t show your irritation towards the lady who is testing you for kindergarten when she asks you what you consider to be stupid questions.

*The wiffle ball game is NOT over until it’s too dark to see the ball and someone starts crying because they were conked in the head with it.

*Don’t panic that you don’t know all of the continents before you’ve even learned about them.

* Never eat corn dog nuggets and Twizzlers all day. You WILL throw up.

*If you forgot to wear your jewelry, Pizza Hut forks bent around your wrist are not a good substitute.

*Unless you want a smooshed nose, keep your eye on the ball.

* If you’re going to draw on your walls, don’t use Chapstick.

*Standing on your chair while your English teacher is writing on the board is not a good way to make your peers laugh.

*Never fall down stairs unless you mean to.

*Don’t punch the neighbor kid in the gut for standing on “your property.”

*Being offered pot on your very first day of sixth grade in a new school is indicative of how the rest of your year will be. CHANGE SCHOOLS. FAST.

*Do not giggle when your teacher stands between you and your best friend with his hand down the back of his pants during math class.

*Wire coat hangers do not make good toys.

*Enjoy fried cheese for lunch. Later on in life, your body will plump up if you eat this way.

*Leading the cast in a rousing game of spoons backstage will cause some of them to miss their cues.

*If you get bored in a conversation, you can always just fall down to stop it.

*Junior College is like a second Senior Year.

* If you mix gum and Starburst and try to blow a bubble you’re going to have a mess. And, it doesn’t clean up easily.

*If you are President of your Student Government at Junior College, go fishing with your dad instead of giving the commencement address. The school will frown upon this but later in life, you’ll be glad you spent the time with your dad.

As you or your child heads back to school, you may want to go over this list, or even print it out to share with him or her.

Or you might not. It’s probably best not to give them any ideas…

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