The Fridge

04 Aug
The Fridge

Cleaning out the refrigerator for me is worse than cleaning a bathroom.  I would rather go to the zoo and have a monkey pleasure himself while singling me out in a crowd than to clean out my own refrigerator. And the monkey thing is not all that much fun so you can imagine how much I hate to clean out the fridge.

After taking a giant swig of spoiled chocolate milk (which was dated 8-20-11, so it was stamped WRONG to begin with, Stupid Dairy Liars.) the other night during another sleep eating incident, (don’t want to talk about it)  I realized it was time to tackle this much loathed task.

I hit the freezer first, which contained two very old pie crusts, a bag of stir fry that was only recognizable by it’s label (I would have thought it was a pretty-color-speckled iceberg) a Ziploc bag of broccoli, Bomb Pops from two summers ago and 25 frozen ice pops from last summer.

Here is what is left in my freezer: A half empty five-pound bag of Hershey Kisses and a near full five-pound bag of Jolly Ranchers.  Stop judging me.

Then came the worst part of cleaning the fridge, the main compartment. At least when you throw away the Bomb Pops from two summers ago, they don’t splash unidentifiable contents onto your body. This cannot be said of the items in the fridge.

I threw away enough mini-condiment packages from fast food restaurants to supply Busch Stadium for a three-day home stand. I have no idea why I keep these because even if you tell them you don’t need ketchup at the drive-thru they throw it in the bag with your burger anyway. How much duck sauce does one need? I don’t even use duck sauce.

I tossed three very soft onions, a bag of soggy potatoes that were emitting a foul odor and growing roots, the rest of the chocaroni and cheese(what was I thinking when I made this? I definitely wasn’t thinking that the Dairy Liars had been up to mischief) a bowl of white gravy that had turned brown and had little fuzzy green splotches all over it, about six bottles of family size juice products (it’s cheaper when you buy in bulk…especially when you throw over half a bottle away because it has turned into undrinkable Blueberry-Pomegranate Wine), Chef Boyardee Beefaroni that I don’t remember ever eating, about four teaspoons of sugar left in an otherwise empty bag, a dozen (from two different cartons) eggs from April and May and a gallon of milk circa February. This is not the oldest container of milk that my refrigerator has housed. I’ve had some for as much as eight months. Did I mention I hate cleaning out the fridge? Because I do.

I had to make three trips to the dumpster to get rid of all of the food. On my third sweaty roundtrip, as I was dumping the trash, some of the sugar flew up into the air and came to settle all over my legs and fell into my Crocs. I don’t know if you know what happens to sugar in the heat but I walked back into the house with sugar paste oozing around between my toes. On a positive note, my toes are now ex-foliated rather nicely.

All that I have left now is one IKEA chocolate bar from my last trip up north, two half empty bottles of Gatorade, a two liter of Coke, seven string cheese links, five pudding cups and 51 cans of Slim Fast.

Tonight I am having Lowfat Cheesy Double Choco-Cola Soup for dinner.


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4 responses to “The Fridge

  1. Bjdmwill

    August 5, 2011 at 1:04 am

    Gee…. Sorry I can’t make it for dinner…. Sounds great! I have to wash my hair… er… I mean I have to clean my fridge!

  2. Nicole

    August 6, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    I found your blog because of you promoting it on craigslist. Hilarious, I look forward to future postings.

    • Jenn Murphy

      August 10, 2011 at 11:27 am

      Thank you so much! Sorry it took a while to get this comment up. Thanks for the support!

  3. dawnb

    August 15, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    I found you from Craigslist also, and I’m already hooked!


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