I would somehow like to leave my mark on this world and have been pondering that very thought lately. Oh sure, I could pee on every patch of grass that I get near, or I could rub my body on your leg as I walk by (I won’t. It’s considered sexual harassment…learned that the hard way) but I wanted to make a bigger impact on my little world. . What I really want to do is give you, the reader, a gift. Something you can take with you and always use, maybe some words of wisdom. Out of the goodness of my heart and the restlessness of my head. All of the great thinkers: Mark Twain, Benjamin Franklin, Oprah, all of these people left their mark with their words and their weight problems. I want to leave you all with the same, something to marinate on for a while. My hope, nay, dare I say it? My dream, is that one of these little tidbits will change your life for the better, or at least help you balance your checkbook. I’m pretty sure it won’t help with the checkbook though… In fact if you’re reading this instead of balancing your checkbook then I’ve actually hindered you from doing that and now I will feel responsible if you overdraw. Weight of the world, people, weight of the world.
Anyway, I have compiled a little list to help you on your way to a better you.I hope you enjoy it.
- Today’s Beanie Baby collectors are tomorrow’s people who dress a concrete goose in a raincoat on their front porch.
- Eye boogars are just nature’s way of telling us are not as cool as we think we are.
- You can lead a sorority girl from the sorority house but chances are she won’t find her way back.
- I can write haiku. Haiku doesn’t have to rhyme. It’s five seven five.
- That last piece of wisdom was written in haiku form. Really makes you think doesn’t it? No? Ok.
- You can put a tuxedo on a penguin but he’ll only feel overdressed.
- You can get hot cheese stuck to the roof of your mouth but that won’t get you a handicapped parking space.
- You can always wing it but leave flippering it to the dolphins.
- A bird in hand will almost always poop on you.
- A penny saved is still just 1/50 of what you need to buy a Superball.
- Never date someone with a U-haul permanently attached to their Pinto.
- Keeping your dignity means never going on reality TV.
- There’s a story behind every shoe found along the highway.
- Don’t let sleeping dogs lie. Make them tell you the truth.
- This generation’s “Dancing with the Stars” is last generation’s “Circus of the Stars.”
- You’ve got to know when to hold ’em know when to fold ’em and if you’re making an origami swan, you have to know HOW to fold ’em.
- If you can’t stand the heat, get your dog fixed.
- Dying will take years off of your life.