With the excessive heat this week, I have been hermiting as much as possible. This is not a real word but it’s in the Jenn Murphy Manual of Style so I’m allowed to use it. Today though, I emerged from my self-imposed exile because I needed bottled water. I feel guilty to a degree, for messing up the environment with my plastic bottles, but I also know that my mind will not let my body consume my apartment’s tap swill without having a total mental meltdown. I am convinced that the pipes haven’t been replaced since 1955 and that they are filled with all of the gunk not only from the former tenants, but also from the current residents. I’m pretty sure the Village upstairs is under the wrong impression that they have a built-in garbage disposal. So I firmly believe that if I drink my tap water I am drinking fifty-six years’ worth of bacteria and raw sewage, along with the greasy scraps of the fish fry that the Village had last night for supper.
I went to Sam’s Club because it’s always cheaper to buy in bulk. I’m of the belief that if one sees a bargain, one stocks up. And by stock up I mean when soda goes on sale around the fourth of July, I will end up with twenty-four cases because you “Buy ten, get two free!.” I can’t pass that up.
It would seem that Sam’s Club would be a perfect fit for this kind of mania.
I flashed my card at Sam’s and rolled my wobbly wheeled cart back to the water aisle. If I were a homeless person this is the kind of cart I would inevitably end up with: one with the jack-jawed wheel that doesn’t cooperate with the other wheels. Such is life.
I heaved two cases into my cart and clumsily steered it to the next aisle. I stopped at the maraschino cherries (I should mention here that during one of those sleep eating nights, I ate half a jar of maraschino cherries while standing at my kitchen sink. I didn’t stop there, I drank the syrupy juice that the cherries had been floating around in. Don’t lie, you’ve done it too.) and considered putting them in my cart. And then I had a momentary return to sanity and thought, “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH A FOUR POUND JAR OF MARASCHINO CHERRIES?”
I often yell at myself in my head.
I walked each aisle, giggling at the size of the jars and cans. Remember when you could get that little bag of generic Barbie accessories at Wal-mart for two bucks and it would have hundreds of plastic shoes, hangers, a record player and some records and then a coffee mug? And you could make Barbie hold the mug by putting her hand through the handle but the mug was usually as big as her head? Totally disproportionate. This is how I feel when I shop at Sam’s.
I realize that Sam’s Club was really intended for restaurants, vending companies, people who still keep well-stocked bomb shelters and Mormons; but there’s something about walking around in there and seeing the monstrous portions that makes you feel like you NEED to buy something.
I knew then that what I needed to do was find a healthier alternative for my recent sleep eating so that I didn’t wake up with Skittles melted to my torso. I wanted goldfish crackers because you can eat huge fistfuls of them and still intake few calories. I found a four pound, three “stay-fresh” bag box so I put it in my cart. For good measure I threw in a box of granola bars (48 bars in one box: Peanut butter, dark chocolate and S’Mores!)
Salty and crunchy and semi-healthy: SOLVED.
I have always loved going through the candy aisle of Sam’s because it’s like a candy store except that you can buy a lot more all at once and not be judged by the checkout girl. If you go into a candy store and buy five pounds of candy, you’ll get smug looks from fellow shoppers as well as the clerk. BUT, Sam’s Club ENCOURAGES you to buy TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS of candy at one time! They even pre-package it for you!
I needed to find a candy that I could keep around the house that I wouldn’t eat by the ton. When it comes to candy consumption, I have no willpower. Absolutely none. I will eat it until I am physically sick. And then after the shakes and the nauseousness goes away, I will eat some more.
I needed to find something that would take a while to eat and satisfy that craving. I was going to have to go the old lady, hard candy route and at Sam’s my choices were limited. They basically offered a seven pound bag of Starlight mints(NO), two pounds of “Fancy Assorted Hard Candy”(ABSOFRUITLY NOT) or a five-pound bag of Jolly Ranchers (YES!)
Sweet and long-lasting: SOLVED (I hope. But we’ll see.)
Everyone knows that one of the best parts of going to Sam’s is the Sample Lady. It’s like the poor man’s Las Vegas buffet. Today I sampled a caramelized onion pre-made hamburger patty (edible but just barely), a slice of a fajita wrap (that I ended up spitting back into the napkin) and a styrofoam cup of tropical punch Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid sampling is a waste of the Sample Lady’s obvious talent. We all know what Kool-Aid tastes like; and overall, most Kool-Aid flavors just taste like sugar-water. On a side note, I think it’s what birdwatchers use to attract hummingbirds, which might explain why I was drawn to it.
For a single person, Sam’s Club is a pretty ridiculous place to shop. Other than string cheese, I can not eat that much of any one thing without ending up repulsed by it. I blame Sam’s Club for the fall out between myself and Boca Burgers. It also caused my break-up with Hot Pockets.
But in the end,Sam’s offers a Jumbo Nathan’s hot dog and thirty-two ounce soda for a dollar seventy at their snack bar and Nathan’s is the BEST hot dog you will ever taste.
So I think that was well worth the forty-five dollar membership….